I did my first and so far only vlog last year when Miloh was three months old... Actually in reality I've never done a vlog but Miloh has.

I was going to write a post for today but we spent the weekend on a farm and friends, fun, family and driving all equal no post. To prove that we were on a farm here's a photo... You can see the pigmy goats in the background. Little known fact that the sound that goats make is "Maaaaaaatt". Don't believe me? Ask Miloh. He's good with his animal sounds now.

Not goats.

I mentioned this in my last post but I wanted to mention again. In a couple weeks I'll be guest posting over at The Paper Mama. But I need you help.

I'll be answering questions folks might have of me. It could be anything. About being a parent. About floor beds. About me hating cheese. About what separates a great French fry from a good French fry. Maybe something you wanted to ask her but didn't since I try to be as unsocial as I can through my social media outlets.

So head over there and leave a comment in the post and I will probably answer.

And if you've read this far I figure I'd give you a gift from the past. Here's a post from a year and a month ago. I meant to pick one from a year ago but accidentally scanned the June archives... But this was better because it has an embarrassing video of me signing like an ass. Enjoy.

After you dive into the greatness of this post please go to The Paper Mama blog. Chelsey asked me to once again break the gender barrier and be the first dad in her Get To Know A Mama feature. Although it's hi-jacked to become Get To Know A Dad.

You can leave comments to ask me questions that I'll answer on her blog in the very near future. You can ask things like: "Are you really as awesome in real life as you seem on your blog?", "Why do people still eat microwave popcorn?", "How did you get over being dumped at the Jefferson Memorial when you were 12?" or perhaps more relevant things.

So check it and thanks Chelsey

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Last week, July 10th to be exact,  when I was hanging with Miloh he ran to the bathroom. I thought he wanted to go onto the potty (hate that word). While it's early, we started toilet training because they do it in his school and he kind of digs it. He's peed a couple times, once when I was around. Staci celebrated and clapped. I joined along but knew that if I had peed all over the toilet seat she wouldn't be as happy.

But this post isn't about that...

On the way to the toilet he stopped short and went to the drawer where Staci hid some paint from him. They painted a small canvas for a Father's Day present for me.

Miloh knew the paint was there but didn't mind it.

This day was different. He grabbed the three plastic strips of poster paints and looked at me with those big eyes.

I grabbed one of my super expensive, no longer used, art school brushes took him up to his new art table. He pointed at the blue so I opened it up... Then he knew what to do.


He'd point to a new color and I'd wash the brush and open the new color.

When I was a kid my favorite presents were Crayola crayon, marker and paint sets. So it was kind of cool doing my first art project with him.


I wanted to get in his head while he was painting. I'm fascinated by what he thinks so I'd love to know what was intentionally set down and what is random scribbles... Then I asked him and he answered what he was thinking. So here is his Artist Statement.

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Untitled by Miloh Friedman.

Artist Statement:
I wanted to create a piece that spoke to the both the uncertainty in the world today while celebrating the joy of new beginnings.

The country's debt and politics are weighing heavily on the American people. While the folks of Southern Sudan are finally able to celebrate stability. Change and uncertainty can be scary but it can also be exciting.

I tried to capture all those emotions and share with the viewer. But I chose to work in an abstract gestural way so the viewer could see what they want and connect with the piece on their own terms.

I think that all comes through in the painting.

I was going to do a post for today but then Hilary from BabyMooHoo asked if I'd do a little guest post on her site.

Kids love bubbles. That's a fact. But I think they could be the cruelest thing ever for super young kids.

Bubbles are super cool colorful and transparent floating balls of goodness. And every kid wants to get their hands on them.

So they grab. And one of two things happen.

They can't reach the bubble and ge frustrated and sad. Or they're able to grab the bubble and the second they touch it... Poof it's gone.

Either way– disappointment.

No fear... There's always another bubble on it's way. And more hope followed by disappointment. And so on and so on.

At least that's how it could look to an observer... And I think that's how it would be if adults saw bubbles for the first time. We wouldn't have that same sense of wonder.

But kids are able to harness the power of wonder and get delighted by the bursting bubble in hopes that one day they'll catch one... And sometimes they do.

Miloh's not yet adept enough to grab one but he sure loves trying.

Wisdom for Miloh: Learn how to eat a banana.

Most folks will tell you there is one way to eat a banana. They are wrong. There is a right way and a wrong way. And most people eat them the wrong way.

I have to admit I ate them the wrong way for probably about 30 years... Then I ran in to one of the most brilliant men I have ever met. Sorry, that's a lie... He's a copywriter and no brilliant person would put them self in that situation. But I know he just threw out his trademark JC (not Jesus Christ) smirk when reading that. And now he's saying "fucking Friedman."

Anyway JC (not Jesus Christ) told me I was eating a banana wrong one day. I was eating it like everyone I've ever seen ate it... But I hadn't seen the light.

You see professional banana eaters, some call them monkeys, eat them the opposite way that most humans do. They grab the stem and peel the top.

It makes more sense... It's easier to peel the "bottom" of a banana even though it's actually the top.

The stem part is tough so if you peel from there you bruise the banana.

Plus flipping the banana over, or in reality holding it the right way, gives you a nice little stem handle to hold onto. It makes life easier when you eat a banana the correct/monkey way.

He also said some BS about it tasting better if you eat it the right way but I'm not convinced of that.

So here's the deal. Ignore the way mommy gives you a banana. It's wrong. Eat them the way I give them to you. You're welcome.

And for those who want to know a bit more about the banana wars check out this Slate article.

Moral of the story: mommy's wrong and I'm right.

One of Miloh's favorite books is How Do Dinosaurs Eat Their Food?

If you've never read it then I'll give you a brief synopsis. The first half of the book is questions. Do dinosaurs stick beans up their nose or smash fruit in their toes? And things like that.

The second half is all about manners. It says no they don't do those things, they say please and thank you and have manners and all that.

When we read it to Miloh it's cute... Every time we ask one of the questions (like do dinosaurs throw down their cup hoping to make someone else pick it up?) he answers yes. Of course we don't want him doing those things but it's funny when he shakes his head, smiles and says yes.

And I'm not sure he really doesn't understand what he's saying yes to so we're good... Or not.

Lately he's been imitating the dinosaurs... So maybe his yes answers were real. I'm pretty sure I was underestimating him.

He's smashed potatoes into his toes.

One night he put his foot on the table, looked at us and smiled. We said to take it off and he did. Then he put it back three more times. On that third time he stuck his foot in the air, spread his toes and smiled a big super cute smile. Then with his big toe he tried to flip his plate over. The whole time he was smiling and he even did his trademark eyebrow lift as if to say "watch me."

We all laughed... How could you not. I mean it was funny. Completely inappropriate but funny.

And that wasn't the end of it. A few weeks later he stuffed a pea in his nose... Actually shoved a pea right up his nose and smiled.

Yeah he's a mess. Notice the pea in his nose.

Needless to say the book is collecting dust right now until he can understand the first half is bad behavior and the second half is good behavior.

Moral of the story: When your kid has a pea in it's nose grab your camera fast, then clear the airway.

Part of the collateral damage of having children is stringing words together in a way that you never thought you would.

Here's some things I've said the last few weeks:

• "What made you think pouring granola over your head was a good idea?"
• During the diaper change that happened right after: "let me get that granola off your penis."
• "Why are you smooshing a sweet potato into your knee?"
• "You can put your balls on the table but don't let Kalli (our dog) eat them again." It was mozzarella.
• "That's not the (female) dog's belly button."
• "Don't tell mommy I taught you that." I forget what it was... 
• "They cat doesn't want to take the aardvark for a ride."
• "Why did you pee on my pillow?"
• Followed by: "it's not funny."
• Followed by: "it wasn't funny the first time, it's not funny this time."
• "Tell your doggy to go potty." It's a wooden pull toy he takes out when I take out our dog.
• "Putting your foot in your oatmeal was not an uh oh."
• "The platypus says... Well I don't know what the platypus says."
• "Look, I went poopy on the potty" Not my finest hour... Don't judge.
• "Don't splash in Kalli's water." 
• Followed by: "Why are you drinking water out of the carpet?"
• "No, no, no. Love you. No." I forget what he was getting into. 

I'm not sure what it's called but I have that Larry David disease. Or is it a disorder?

I have a knack for making situations uncomfortable with the sole purpose to humor me. I often can't turn it off but that's a given since it's a disease... Or disorder.

There are times at parties where Staci's sole job is to apologize to pre-warn people that I'm sarcastic, have no filter and bored. The ones she doesn't get to on time get an apology from her later.

I hate small talk. It's boring. So I push things to the edge of awkward... But the scientist in me thinks that I can't know where the edge of awkward is until I cross the line. Then I can say I was right.

Side note: It's like the time I was at Bingo and I was squeezing the dabber so hard that I knew if I squeezed anymore it would burst. There was only one way to find out if I was right. A tiny little squeeze. Let me tell you that that dabber ink can fly. I'd feel bad for getting it all over the coat of the woman near me but it was fur. I left without her noticing... So if she's reading this, 17 years after the fact, I'm sorry.

Awhile ago I thought of getting releases made up, like a model release, and have folks I talk to sign them. Actually I think this is a fantastically hilarious idea because it would freak people out. And so I'm now that I remember the idea I'm kind of compelled to have them made... They'd also include a goodbye because in party type situations I rarely say goodbye.

But what's the point you ask? Here's how the disease and/or disorder has been manifesting itself lately.

When I'm out with Miloh people always say he's cute. Because he is.

But when someone says "hi cutie" to him I reply "Hey there" in a way that makes them think that I  thought they were talking to me. Because I think it's funny. They think I think they were flirting... But I don't, especially when they bend down to see him. It's more funny when they say to Miloh "Aren't you a cutie" and I answer " Why yes I am." Once I even said " Oh, you mean him."

It kind of freaks people out. Especially when Staci and I are out shopping and the salesperson thinks I'm hitting on them . But really it's the stores fault. Put a Wii in your store and I won't be bored off my ass just looking for a way to entertain myself... And it's entertaining to me to fuck with people.

Moral of the story: If you're a salesperson and someone, who looks like me, does this please get me your discount. Thanks

Did you know when you Google "percentage of urine in an average swimming pool" there's no real good answer? We know. about the composition of rocks on Mars but we don't know how much pee is in an average pool. Seems to me like our priorities are a bit off.

I looked because of this post which is about me swimming in a pool with a bunch of kids. In other words I swam in a mix of 75% pee, 10% snot, 5% poo and 10% water. That's my unscientific guess.

We started Miloh in a swimming class. I wasn't looking forward to being in the pool. I don't like pools. I like lakes, rivers and oceans. Staci likes pools but not lakes because they are filthy... I'd rather swim in sludge than high concentrations of pee.

We were running late so I broke the cardinal rule of swimming pools. I didn't shower before getting in. I think this got some looks but here's the deal. I was clean and I don't see any need to shower before I swim in pee.

Then as I entered the pool of urine I noticed something that surprised me... All the adults in the class were men. I was not expecting this. I thought I would be the only one. So I looked at the class next to me... All men except for one.

We all got swindled. This is how I think it happened "Honey it's Father's day weekend. How great would it be if you spend time with (kid's name) on the first day of class?" But what the women were really thinking was "No way I'm getting in a swimsuit until I check out the other women in the class first. "
Miloh wasn't loving the first class... He held onto me the whole time digging his fingers in tighter than he has ever before. And he cried a fair amount. But he liked pointing to the fish on murals at the place.

The next week the numbers of men dwindled. It was me and one other guy. I was expecting all men that week too because I thought wives would say "It was all guys last week, maybe you should go this week." Had I bet I would have bet a lot of cash... I would have lost.

Second week went better for Miloh. He didn't cry, he splashed a lot and he even voluntarily put his head underwater and blew bubbles... No one even showed him how.

Back to the amount of pee in a pool. I did find one answer on Yahoo Answers, but based on a survey I found his number are off... He guessed too much pee.

According to a survey 17% of people pee in the pool. Here's the deal with surveys... People lie to make them look better... So I would adjust that number to 25%. Since you all know I love infographics you can check some out about the prevalence of pee in pools based on that number... And don't be surprised if I pop out a pee infographic soon.

And last know that according to South Park the acceptable level of Pee in a waterpark is 83%. If you plan on going to one this summer please call and ask the acceptable pee level of that park. Then leave a comment telling me how that call went.

Moral of the story: Pools are filled with pee and people who didn't shower before going in. Enjoy your summer activities.