Preamble:
I've Back in June I wrote a post called First Generation Dad that touched on how I feel to be a dad when I didn't really have a good father figure of my own. And I got an idea but didn't have time to flesh it out... Six months later and I finally had the time.
I'm starting what I hope to be a new feature and calling it First Gen Dads. The idea is I'll invite other dads who, for whatever reason, didn't have a father around when they grew up.
Stealing some words from my first guest (coming up next month) it's an important topic.
I think it's one that's not thought about much.
One thing that really got me thinking about this came a few months after my aforementioned post. It was a letter that a radio morning show guy wrote to his soon to be son. First I should mention I only listen to that morning show not that station. Second what got me about the letter is when he talks about all the things his dad taught him...
My father taught me nothing... Seriously nothing. The closest he got was the time he bought me some ridiculously expensive remote control car that we were going to build together. We opened the box and checked out the parts... We were going to put it together the next few times I saw him... He put it together that night... And I was only allowed to play with it once because a piece broke.
However while he taught me nothing I learned a lot from him... I learned what I didn't want to be like as a dad.
The format of this new thing is a few questions and then a lighter Q&A. The questions on that first part are mostly things people have asked me... But when asked I'd always kind of blow them off and answer in few words...
Things get a bit more real when you really answer...
Hope you all enjoy... And the only way this is going to become a thing is if I can get other First Gen Dads to feature... So if you know any send them my way, on twitter or email or telepathy.
Why wasn't your father around when you were growing up?
He was never a father to me. He was emotionally abusive to my mom... That affected the whole family. He's an ass and was never really a dad... It's why I feel I was fatherless even though he was around so long.
He also, legally, didn't have to pay any child support... That's because my grandfather gave him part of his business and he then had to pay him to go away... Legal stuff aside that's just morally wrong... To have nice cash and not care to give a cent to your kids... So if he's reading this I'd ask him to take some of his ill gotten cash and set up a college fund for Miloh.
Racking my brain I can only think of a handful of memories of him... One is him giving me a pretzel on Passover (you're not supposed to eat that stuff and at the time I was observing it). The other was when my mom changed the locks and he came over the house and tried to change them back... I innocently asked if I could see his tools then through them in the neighbors bushes and into the sewer so he couldn't continue. Anything else is really just a story not a memory.
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| Me with my grandfather who is the closest thing I have to a dad really. |
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| Me and the dog I never really cared for. My boots and sunglasses rock. |
Do you have a relationship with him now?
No. I haven't had any contact since I was 14. He stopped sending birthday checks when I was about 22. The last one actually paid the cost of my name change.
He's looking for me though... A few years ago he asked my sister about a Kenny Friedman that lived in Minnesota and one in New Jersey or such... I got a strange call one that leads me to think he found me... But I didn't lead on that I was who the caller was looking for... He's super computer savvy so I'd bet if he did he's seen this blog.
Before you were a dad what did you look forward most about being a dad?
I'm not really sure. I think I always wanted a little me... And to give said little me a good father figure. I think I got that kid and I'm trying my best to be the dad he deserves.
The concept of a father has always been incredibly abstract to me. I knew my friends' fathers but I couldn't grasp the idea of having one for myself... And I had good male role models like my grandfather and such but it really didn't translate to what being a father meant...
So it was/is the fear of a total unknown for me and I don't want to fuck it up.
Are you the father you thought you'd become?
Like I said above I didn't grasp what a dad was and had no expectations... I knew I would be the opposite of my father... I think I've been accomplishing that.
How has fatherhood changed you?
I'm more patient... MF has made me super patient about stuff that would drive me nuts before and he's made me more chill... Being around him calms me because I want him to be in a good place.
Is there anything you wish your father knew about you as a father?
Not really. He doesn't mean anything to me so I wouldn't share anything with him.
Any wisdom for new dads?
Forget what you already know*. I think a lot of people have tons of plans and expectations, I had a few. They all change super fast because you have to react to the kid you have and not to the kid you expect you'll have.
Something I learned from Staci's (my wife) world of Montessori is they observe the child and that's how they know how to guide them. I try to do that... Observe MF and figure out what I should do.
*I feel like that quote is from something and the only thing I can find is a Jason Mraz song... I never listened to him so that's not it.
And now part two Q&A... I wish there was a better way to show this on the blog, you'll have to click it to see it larger.
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| You probably need to clickity click to read |
If you missed part one of my two part series on our trip to Mexico you really missed nothing.
Something I forgot to mention that happened day two was that I bought my first can of Axe body spray. I forgot deodorant and everything I found had anti-perspirant in it and I don't know all the facts but I know that if you use you get a phone call right after then you die seven days later...
The only non-anti-perspirant stuff was a lonely can of Axe. So I tried it... And I can tell you the commercials lie. Not one angel fell from the sky.
Also I should mention that there was a ton of pool time the first few days but and in one of those days a dog bit an orange ball that was at the pool... We heard about it from MF the rest of the week.
Day Four:
You can get falafel in Isla Mujeres... At Mañana (a cool little cafe that has a mini used bookstore in it). Said falafel rocks... And the hot sauce is awesome.
As a general rule the hot sauces in Isla were awesome and so different at every place.
MF likes iguanas but calls them guanas.
I don't know what this graphic means... It's from an elevator. I get the gist it's just not done well.
We went to an area with a little Mayan ruins... They had great warning signs.
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| Pretty normal falling rocks sign |
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| Don't hold up the cliff |
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| Don't stand perfectly still at the edge of a cliff |
On the ocean near the restaurant there was a nurse shark in an underwater pen... For a couple buck (no idea ho much) you could get into the pen for a picture of you holding the shark... This is so freaking cruel and ridiculous... NEVER do it.
I have an another awesome pic of MF on the beach from the trip... I hesitate to put it on the site though, sorry to tease. But maybe I will when I get the photo our friend took while I was shooting the great pic... They look cool together. Any way he liked the ocean but only went in up to his knees...
I only got a Pina Colada but someone at the table got vegetarian tacos... The octopus in them made them extra vegetarian in Mexico.
That night we went to a restaurant in which the men's room only had a urinal... You could not sit if you needed to... Luckily I didn't need to.
Day Five:
We went snorkeling. I brought the WG-1 for this because we went to a place where they have underwater sculptures. It's called MUSA. It was really freaking cool... My pics were just eh because they made us wear lifejackets. I think part because there were a ton of boats around and they probably had no insurance... And it was crazy choppy.
So choppy I came seconds away from offering my breakfast to the fish to enjoy.
B;ah, blah, blah... More guacamole, pool time and pina colada's... This is when being a vegetarian started to really freaking suck... But I knew that was going to happen soon enough.
Day Six:
This is where I really gotta thank the folks at Pentax for humoring and giving me the camera.
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| Half underwater awesomeness |
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| Putting my lens cap on... I love these shots and have many |
Yada, Yada, Yada another great meal then we put the kids to sleep (with good company to watch over them) and headed to the square for their New Year's celebration. It was super fun but really you know what those are like.
Day Seven:
This.
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| In camera panorama that isn't so bad |
I went around shooting random stuff...
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| A beautiful beachfront hotel... Not where we stayed. |
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| Some random girl |
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| Sunsets plus fill light equals awesomeness |
The night for the kids ended with MF and his buddy, who he now calls his brother, reading books.
Day Eight:
Headed back to the states... I got a Mexican Coke in the can, so much better than Mexican Coke in the bottle... But they don't need to list the ingredients there which is odd...
And then I went to Johnny Rockets in the Cancun airport to get an order of half fries half rings. I also ordered a bottle of water. While waiting for my order they called our flight and I grabbed the goods but forgot the water... So if you find yourself in the Cancun airport head to the Johnny Rockets and ask them for my water... You're welcome.
Then we headed home... The flight was uneventful because MF slept... Oh I guess you could call the whole thing where we couldn't take off because a guy locked himself in the bathroom and then when he finally came out he was super sick and fainted so we had to head back to the gate eventful. You could also call it a run on sentence.
Moral of the story: The trip was great but I forgot to mention that every day we had to walk MF around to get him to sleep in his stroller because he wouldn't sleep in the bed. It got old... Traveling with a two year old is really really hard but I'm glad we had the experience.
