smonk you: the best freaking daddy blog ever

I'm not sure where I heard it but I once heard someone quote a NYC cab driver who said “In a world full of sheep... be a goat.” Not a sheep. When I used the  Google to find out who said it I was scared the answer would be someone embarrassing said it like Bieber, Caitlin Upton or Michele Bachmann would have said it... Luckily I couldn't find anyone famous spouting those words. And it seems like a lot of people would have said it but really nothing good showed. So I'm gonna start using it as my own second hand quote... Skip my first line of this post and let me start over. There was this one time I was at LGA trying to get into the city. I had been there the week before and so I knew the best taxi line to get into. So I get in that line and finally get to the front and ask the cabbie if he took credit cards... A new law was enacted that made all drivers take them but you gotta ask just in case. But the dude said no... Some BS about the line I was in was cabbie...

Wisdom for Miloh: Learn how to eat a banana. Most folks will tell you there is one way to eat a banana. They are wrong. There is a right way and a wrong way. And most people eat them the wrong way. I have to admit I ate them the wrong way for probably about 30 years... Then I ran in to one of the most brilliant men I have ever met. Sorry, that's a lie... He's a copywriter and no brilliant person would put them self in that situation. But I know he just threw out his trademark JC (not Jesus Christ) smirk when reading that. And now he's saying "fucking Friedman." Anyway JC (not Jesus Christ) told me I was eating a banana wrong one day. I was eating it like everyone I've ever seen ate it... But I hadn't seen the light. You see professional banana eaters, some call them monkeys, eat them the opposite way that most humans do. They grab the stem and peel the top. It makes more sense... It's easier to peel the "bottom" of a banana even tho...

Wisdom for Miloh: Not all frauds are bad. I "met" Chip Kidd about seven years back at a book signing. You can read a bit about it here . The image below is from one of the books he signed. I realize he was just goofing around, or maybe not, but I think there's a nugget of awesomeness. Although I know it would put Chip Kidd in a state of depression for years to hear that he's not my favorite fraud I have to say that P.T. Barnum holds that place in my hear. Phineas Taylor is actually a hero of mine. He was an incredible salesmen... Maybe the best. The dude made a fake Cardiff Giant and then when the "real" Cardiff Giant was found out to be a fake he billed his as the Fake Fake Cardiff Giant... People kept coming to see his fake. He also came up with the "This way to the Egress" signs ... Freaking brilliant if you ask me... But if you ask others he's a fraud. That's just the tip of the iceberg of Barnum but I'm not under the ...

As you know every Wednesday, without fail, I post a little bit of wisdom for Miloh. This next installment was something I overheard while enjoying some Punch Pizza . Mine of course was cheeseless because, as I have scientifically established, cheese is horrible. Wisdom for Miloh:  Sleepovers are overrated A woman said this to her kid as she was leaving Punch the other day. The wisdom can actually span your lifetime and is so sage that she must have been some sort of prophet. Here's the breakdown on why they are overrated. As a kid: Here's how your first sleepover at a friend's house will go. We'll drop you off at your buddy's house and your mom will kiss you in front of him which will embarrass you. You'll play with your buddy while your his parents make dinner. By "make dinner" I mean order pizza. After the pizza you will play a little more... and then you will be sick of hanging out with him. It will be 8 PM. You'll feel a little bet...

Wisdom for Miloh: Don't feed the dog from the table. She'll start expecting it and she'll get fat.

Coming off my last wisdom post I thought I'd take on English. It's a silly hard to understand language with all the idioms and double meanings of things. Although that's what also makes it great. However there are a couple things to look out for. Wisdom for Miloh: Questions are often statements. You'll see this a lot in the work world...people often want to state their opinion but at the last minute decided to be nice so the statement ends up like a question. "What if we threw Turkeys out of a helicopter?" means "We should throw turkeys out of a helicopter." which actually means "We're going to throw turkeys out of a helicopter." Its subtle but it's something to look out for. Women use this question as statement often. "Do you think we should paint the living room?" means "I got some paint sample and cleared your calendar for Saturday so you can paint the living room." There is also "Is that what ...

Wisdom for Miloh: You don't need math. You may find yourself in math classes when you're older and think it has nothing to do with what you'll be doing when you grow up. You are probably right. The teachers will say you need math...that's a lie. First, you have a computer and probably some crazy smart phone that I can't even phathom right now. Second you have an aunt who teaches statistics. Use that smart phone and call her up to get answers to any math question you have...I do. So skip your math classes and go to recess...go on the merry-go-round thingy. There's a little math involved there with centrifugall force and such but it's more physics, which might have a bit of math...but nothing a computer can't do. Instead of doing math homework in the winter we'll go snowboarding. Same thing with math and physics there...same thing with a computer being able to do it. I suppose you can rationalize that you need math to figure out your rotat...

Wisdom for Miloh:  don't carry things you could have let go. I learned a lot in college but I retained very little that actually matters. That's the thing about college...you learn a ton of crap you won't really need just because you have to get requirements in several areas of study. One of the nuggets of information I retained, and think about a lot...I mean a lot...I've probably bored your mom with the story...it's a story of two monks. I found this version  here ...it's the closest to how I heard it. Two Buddhist Monks were on a journey, one was a senior monk, the other a junior monk. During their journey they approached a raging river and on the river bank stood a young lady. She was clearly concerned about how she would get to the other side of the river without drowning. The junior monk walked straight past her without giving it a thought and he crossed the river. The senior monk picked up the woman and carried her across the river. He placed he...

Here's another piece of wisdom learned from a tattoo...specifically one I saw on Fuck Yeah Tattoos . Really at the rate these wisdoms are going you should ignore every 3rd one and just check out the site because it seems to be where I get my stuff from. Wisdom for Miloh: Don't feed the bad wolf. As I said while checking out FYT I saw a photo of a woman's tattoo that said "Don't feed the bad wolf." She explains that it comes from a Cherokee story that I think is pretty great. An elderly Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life… He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego. The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, com...

Hey Miloh, let me start by saying I'm a bit disappointed with you. Yesterday you totally dropped the ball in meeting a cute girl. Sure she was about three and a half times your age, which could have been intimidating, but dude...she was totally interested in you. I realize you gave her the Miloh "how you doing" eyes but you need to follow that up with something. Some kind of line, an opener, whatever but just say something. And that's my wisdom:  Say something. Say something smart. Say something clever. Say something honest. Say Something scary. Say something painful. Say something meaningful. Say Anything. (I totally didn't plagiarize that*.) I won't be able to pass along any good lines to pick up women...although I did pass along some bad ones . However the one thing I can pass along is that if you say nothing you will get nowhere. And, to fully understand the advice I'll force you to watch Say Anything because not only was it a great "sem...

I'll eventually get somewhere with this but I'll start with don't get a tattoo...well at least wait until you're 25. That might seem like an arbitrary age, and it is to an extent, but there are a ton of bad tattoos out there so waiting a bit is a good idea. Although by the time you're 18 you will probably be able to have them lasered off at a cart in a mall. Also if you do get tattoos you need to vet them with me first...because like I said there is a bunch of crap out there...someone you know, not me, thought of getting a Smurf on a mushroom when they were 18. I have one I don't dig...it meant something at the time but it's so abstract that it kind of means nothing...but I kind of see some tattoos as scars, or remembrances of things, and that's why I got that one so I'm cool with it...until the day comes that I think of something kick ass to cover it up with (sorry mom.) Which (kind of) brings me to my latest tattoos, the one's I said I...

I recently got a couple new tattoos...I'll post about them later...but somehow while searching for tattoo stuff I happened upon Fuck Yeah Tattoos  and I found this one. From Fuck Yeah Tattoos...not mine. The words comes from a Mark Twain quote: Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. It's so true...so do everything you want to do...take risks....have fun....and don't take life too seriously. Have fun.

There is a bit of a theme going on with some of these...a bit of rebellion. I don't mean it to be like that...I just want Miloh to grow up, be his own person. Wisdom for Miloh: dress the job you want I was told that a few times and on the surface it seems like a really obvious statement. I mean you should always think of your next career move, or next 2, and preparing for that early is a good idea. So yeah...dressing the job you want makes sense. BUT...there's actually a lot more to that comment then there seems. First time I was told to do that I ignored it. I think people should be judged on what they do not how they look. Obviously there are exceptions for people who come to work dressed like shit, but in my case I was wearing dress shirts, ties and a sport coat to work...I was told to wear more suits...blech. Second time I was told to dress the job I want I ignored it again... The third time the comment was said it hit me. I did want to advance my career, be...

Wisdom for Miloh: Don't grow up. I can't really think of a good reason to grow up...nothing good can come of it. You'll of course grow older, go to college get a job and all that...but that doesn't mean you need to grow up. Staying young makes life so much less boring. Ladies and gentlemen...Youth Group. And P.S. I should say Happy Birthday to Jordan. It was this day 10 years ago that we went out to celebrate his birthday. I had a shot or 4 of Jager...that gave me a little courage to introduce myself to Staci for the first time.

Wisdom for Miloh: Run with Kalli You and Kalli (or dog) already have an amazing relationship...you were buddies from day one. She gives you toys...you give her toys. She lets you do anything you want to her (including manhandling her ears) and she cleans you off when needed...and when you're hands are full of food after eating. When you go for walks with her you giggle so much...actually you giggle many times you see her. When she's happy you're happy and you giggle more than any other time...and she in turn gets happy. When you're bigger you'll walk with her...but when you can you need to run with her...she loves it and it makes her so happy. So you in turn will be crazy happy...maybe you'll giggle too much to be able to run.

Wisdom for Miloh: if you like a girl remember her eye color You know that girl you like? Check out her eyes...remember the color. There will be a test. You see it is, in whatever color eyes the have, completely unacceptable to forget what color a girl's eyes are. There is however one exception. If however you become a piano playing singer who wears crazy glasses you can forget the color of a girls eyes. In fact if you become that person it will be super sweet to forget the color of their eyes. But while I want to support you in everything you do I don't think you'll be a piano playing singer. There is some musical talent in the family, not from your mom or me, but there is absolutely no good singing voice genes anywhere in your blood...sorry about that. Ladies and gentlemen...Elton John

Disclaimer: I dressed him and it was only for this shot. Still even though it's uncoordinated the outfit is cute. Wisdom for Miloh:  Question why...always. OK maybe not always but Aunt Kate and Uncle Matt gave you a kick ass shirt that says: "I ? Y" on the front and "Always" on the back...so it just sounds good. In reality if you keep asking "Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" it will drive your mom and I nuts...so please...not always. I know there is no way that it won't happen. Every great invention came from someone asking why...or I guess from a mistake like leaving a piece of bread out or leaving some radioactive material lying around...but most are from people asking why. People asked questions like: Why the hell did that orange drop at the same speed as that rat? Why does my wife always get made that there is water on the floor when I get out of the tub...and oh, wait...why did the water level get higher when I got in the t...

Wisdom for Miloh:  Know when to walk away...know when to run...know when to duck into a store and put a sweatshirt and hat on. The first part of that comes from the Muppets...when some random dude sang a song called the Gambler...not sure what that guys first name was...hmmm. Anyway while you may think it's about poker...it's really about life...(dude should have listened to that when he opened the chicken store.) But let me give you a couple examples from my life: Airport story 1 Walk away when you're wife says that if you go to jail in Hawaii she will still take her planned flight back. You see your mom and I were once in Hawaii for your Aunt Jody and Uncle Ethan's wedding.  On our way back to the mainland we had a stop over in Honolulu. That airport has a Wiki Wiki shuttle that takes you from terminal to terminal so you don't have to go through security again. When we got off of our flight I asked the TSA guy where the Wiki Wiki to the terminal was. He p...

Wisdom for Miloh:  Listen to Iron Maiden Well more specifically listen Bruce Dickinson the lead singer to Iron Maiden because he's a super interesting man. I think Maiden gets a bad rap because they're a metal band and their mascot, Eddie, is anything from a zombie to a skeleton and things in between. But they are a pretty smart group of guys. Years ago I saw a trailer clip from their appearance on Live From Abbey Road  in which Bruce talks about his career. Unfortunately when I searched for said clip I couldn't find it...I think it didn't make the cut for the show and was then pulled...but I remember the gist. He talks about his career and says that he considers himself to be a professional pilot (he flies for a charter airline) and is once again an amateur musician...and he likes it that way. I should say that as an amateur musician he does pretty well for himself. Bruce goes on to explain that the true meaning of amateur is someone who practices a study, sp...

If you're reading this and your name is Chip Kidd please read the whole thing because there is a designer geek story at the end...and you're in it. Disclaimer: I'm not a fan of controversy on my blog but this post involves a subject that people are incredibly emotionally attached to so please if you comment keep your comments nice. This wisdom comes from a recent post from Girls Girls Girls week where I called Morgan out for using a double space after a period. Metta1313  joined the conversation and backed up the use of the double space. As an English teacher she felt she was correct...and via twitter she rallied the troops of other teachers and two-space fanatics...which brings me to my wisdom for Miloh this week. Wisdom for Miloh: Teachers aren't always right. They make you want to think they are but they aren't. For instance there was the English teacher I had in 7th grade who said no one had ever gotten out of her class and never would. Then when I pissed...