smonk you: the best freaking daddy blog ever

Part of the collateral damage of having children is stringing words together in a way that you never thought you would. Here's some things I've said the last few weeks: "What made you think pouring granola over your head was a good idea?" During the diaper change that happened right after: "let me get that granola off your penis." "Why are you smooshing a sweet potato into your knee?" "You can put your balls on the table but don't let Kalli (our dog) eat them again." It was mozzarella. "That's not the (female) dog's belly button." "Don't tell mommy I taught you that." I forget what it was...  "They cat doesn't want to take the aardvark for a ride." "Why did you pee on my pillow?" Followed by: "it's not funny." Followed by: "it wasn't funny the first time, it's not funny this time." "Tell your doggy to go potty." It's a...

Here's my second installment of the GTTOD series. The first post can be found here . This is a bit of a two part post. Part One – Travel: A little over a month ago I took my first post-Miloh work trip. I was psyched for the trip because it was to Toronto, a city I have a bit of a crush on, and because we were working on some cool stuff. I was a bit apprehensive because I was leaving Miloh at 5 weeks old. I also felt a bit of guilt to leave Staci all alone with him and with a semi-high maintenance dog. So I sent a tweet out to a bunch of mommy bloggers asking what I should do to help Staci out. I got some great ideas. Here's a short list of the suggestions: Get a cleaning person to help her out so she doesn't need to think about it. Order her favorite dinner and have it delivered to her  Stock up on her fave foods Get her a gift Put the dog in a kennel So here was my plan. I was going to order Chinese food from the place near here that delivers (the place I now ...

In my last post I mentioned I was working on getting some celebs for this post. I was in talks with the quarterback of the Saints whatever his name is...I'm sure I could look it up. I was also trying to get Conan...those talks were going really well but then NBC squashed it. There were more but the moral is it's just me. So I thought I'd do a clips post to show my journey from dude who was scared of kids to dad. If you're new to my blog this will be a CliffsNotes version of what you missed. If you've been checking it out for awhile think of this as a best of. And since a blog can't work like a TV show if you want to get the full clip show experience you'll have to click through to the posts...but this will give you the gist. In the beginning...Staci and I wanted to have a child but we both had totally different experience with kids. Kids have always been magically attracted to her...which is probably why she is so great at her career as a Montessori teac...

2:00 A.M. Sunday morning Staci woke me up because she had some pains in her bellyish area/ribs. I comforted, cuddled her and took care of her in every way possible. Okay let's start this over a bit. I am not a morning person...at all. I can go to sleep whenever but I can't wake up early. And when I'm woken up I'm not happy...I don't talk...if under duress I will only grunt or spit out short sentences. That's why we have a plan that once the little dude/dudette is born I will be taking care of it late night. So here is how it actually went down. Staci told me she was having some pains...I said something like "yeah?" and went back to sleep. About a half hour later she told me she was still having pains...I told her they were Braxton-Hicks....and went back to sleep. About 15 minutes later she was writhing in pain...I asked if she wanted to go to the hospital...and told her it was probably Braxton-Hicks. She went down stairs and grabbed her coat. I too...

Before Staci got pregnant she would always be under a comforter when she slept even when it was the summer. At most in the dead of winter I wold be under a thin fleece blanket, but usually it was just a sheet. Now she's warm when she sleeps and is usually under a sheet, but I'm sleeping under a blanket. It makes sense that her body temp would change but makes no sense tha mine would. Based on some of the things we're getting our baby I fear it will be a design snob. Radiolab recently did an interesting story about babie's brains. One thing I learned is that when a baby is staring at you and you think it's super cute it's really just a lapse in the brain. To over simplify it the brain is switching from the primal older part of the brain to the modern thinking part of the brain and it gets stuck...so you think it's staring lovingly. Sorry... I was really good with a 2 year old this weekend. I'm not saying I deserve a Nobel Prize, I would accept if o...

Number 1 Here's one to file under things not to say. Yesterday I was talking to the pre-kid, it's cool because he/she actually moves around when I talk. Well I was telling it that it has it easy now. That it's basically just hanging out in a bath for 9 months. Then I said it's present living quarters are super luxurious because it is, in ratio, bigger than what a bath will be once it's born. First off, not sure what I was thinking because the size relationship was wrong. Second, Staci was obviously there at the time and did not like my comparison of her size to a bath tub. For the record she looks great right now. Number 2 My recent post about (not) finding out what gender our kid is was republished on Dad Camp . It's a nice new site that has postings about fatherhood that are pretty universal. It's not the cliche dad stuff you see out there. So check them out if you're a dad, gonna be a dad or know a dad. Number 3 If you like this blog plea...

Preggie Pops are a scam...that's my opinion. You get seven lollipops for 4 to 7 dollars. They come in flavors like ginger, peppermint and lavender that may help with nausea, but our doctor and nurses said Dum-Dums are just as good. Plus Dum-Dums have that mystery flavor and cost so much less. Soy and Rice milk boxes say something like 'not suitable for use as baby formula.' I understand why, people are stupid. However other beverages like Mountain Dew do not carry that warning, and some people are very stupid. Don't sit at your wife's feet at doctor appointments. The doc or nurse will ask you to move. I have made this mistake all 3 appointments I've gone to. When you first feel the pre-kid kick it's super light but cool. The first time you feel it flip around or turn is freaky. Giraffes are the most gender neutral animal out there...as far as clothes go. Owls seem to be a close second. Hippos and monkeys are for boys while pigs and birds are for girl...

That would be something not to say to your pregnant wife 3 days after you find out she's pregnant . She was feeling nauseous and tired but I thought it seemed to soon...

The whole idea of starting this blog came when I was talking to friends about some of the things I've said to Staci since we found out she was pregnant. Things that you probably shouldn't say to anyone you like, especially your pregnant wife. I'll posts these Kennyisms as they happen, but for now I'll pepper in some of the things I've said so far. It started with a small one, but a good one. 2 days after we found out Staci was pregnant I made the comment that I thought she looked bloated, which is weird because she was only 7 days pregnant (or 14 weeks or one month or something. The math on pregnancy is ridiculous and I'll talk about that later.) Well she wasn't happy about the comment as she wouldn't show for a few months. But to be fair, she was bloated and looked normal a couple days later. So I was right or maybe I wasn't right but I was correct. I screwed up again the next day...I'll post that tomorrow.