smonk you: the best freaking daddy blog ever

Dear folks at Pentax Today I got a fortune cookie that said "The thought that leads to no action is not thought--it is dreaming." And I thought about it for a second and then wondered why they used two dashes instead of an em dash. Seems a bit lazy to me on the part of the fortune cookie writer. But then I thought that I should write this letter today because I had the idea a bit ago and if I don't write it soon there will be no point.  I should also note that the other day I got a fortune that said "Your judgement is a little off at this time.  Rely on friends." I chose to ignore that one as there was a double space after the period. But I'm not bugging you just to tell you I eat a lot of Chinese food. I'm bugging you for a totally different reason. I want to ask if you want to make me the happiest male-mommy blogger by sending me a Optio WG-1 camera. In return I'll make Pentax my semi-official point and shoot camera fo...

I was going to write a longer open letter to a restaurant that doesn’t take reservations but then decided there are more types of restaurants we go to... So I thought they should all get one. I should say that while I talk about Miloh going nutso at restaurants he’s not a terror. He’s just a normal 1.5 year-old who doesn’t want to sit for an hour in a high chair unless he’s eating. Dear Restaurant That Doesn't Take Reservations And Has A Two Hour Wait (RTDTRAHATHW) I heard about you awhile ago and I was totally interested in what you do. A restaurant that has awesome food that is served by the chefs? Sounds fantastic. Count me in, we’ll leave the kid at home. Oh, you have a two hour wait and don’t take reservations? I’m out Here's the deal. My wife and I have a kid. Our friends that we do dinners with often have kids. I should clarify... They always have kids, I meant we do dinner with them often. That kinda grammar throws me a bit... I didn't pay attention i...

We've all been let down by evolution, if you believe in that kooky theory. People have been around for at least 37 years... That's all I can personally vouch for. And if you don't believe that number perhaps 200,000 years is a better one. In those 200,000 years there have been some evolutionary changes but not the kind of things that I think all parents want in babies. So I decided to write evolution an open letter in hopes she'll get with the program. See how I wrote she instead of he? That's because I'm sensitive. I don't have her email or snail mail address so please forward if you know it. Dear Evolution You've done some good things... I'm not gonna lie. I'm a fan of my thumb. I use it every time I thumb wrestle, hitch hike or do that stupid "this guy" thing (I never do that). I also find they come in handy (hah) randomly throughout the day. I also like some of the little tricks you play on us. The platypus.. That thing ...

I was on Moosejaw's site and I saw Cottage Cheese in the secondary nav so I clicked it. Not sure why I clicked it because I hate cottage cheese as it's really gross looking. On that cottage cheese page I saw a thing called Moosejaw Humans of Influence in which they will name a piece of clothing after you. So since I'm batting 500 with my open letters I knew this situation called for another. Dear People of Moosejaw (with some extra love towards Sam) Let me start by saying you look fantastic today. No seriously. Did you cut your hair? No, that's not it...maybe that's a new shirt you're wearing. I'm not really sure what it is but I gotta say you look amazing (some may say "fantastic") today. I saw that Humans of Influence page on your site and I thought to myself "this is a great way for me, out of the kindness of my heart, tell folks about Moosejaw while getting a hoodie (or something else) named after me (or more specifically name...

There is a saying that an idle mind is the Devil's workshop...and I'm thinking that's a good thing. A bit over a month ago I was kind of bored and a little bit hungry. I wanted some sunflower seeds. And not just any sunflower seeds...I wanted Spitz dill flavor seeds because they freaking awesome...and better than their competitors. Then I and idea came to me...what would be better than some seeds? The answer of course is a lot of free seeds...even though in reality it would cure the craving I had then. So I sat down and wrote what I think was a funny open letter to Spitz asking them to sponsor my blog by giving me 50-100 packs of seeds. But Spitz is owned by Frito-Lay and they had no sense of humor...not that I was really expecting the seeds...but I was bummed by the total canned answer. Writing the letter was fun...and I figured I could use my talent of writing funny, sarcastic, and semi-obnoxious letters for good. The good being showing my support for brands that...

You may remember last week's  open letter to Spitz Seeds...here is one to PF Flyers , my favorite (favourite for my Canadian readers) shoe company. Hello Mr or Mrs Flyers About a year and a half ago I had a job in which I had to wear dress shoes Monday through Thursday and was only allowed podiatric freedom on Fridays. On those days you'd see me in a pair of Converse or some Jack Purcells. Now I'm at a much better job that judges me on my work instead of my shoes and allows me the freedom to wear whatever shoe I want. And when I needed a good everyday shoe I knew Converse weren't the ones...too uncomfortable. So I hopped online, checked out the options and I found your shoes...I remembered the name from my childhood but don't remember if I wore them. I do remember wearing polo shirts from Sears that had the little dragon on it instead of the Izod alligator but if I were to bring those up it would be a total tangent, so I won't. Back to the shoes...I...

This is a copy of a letter I would send to Spitz Seeds if they had an email address on their site, which they don't...but I figured I could use the power of the internet and hope someone from there will see this post too. They're owned by Frito-Lay which is owned by Pepsi...someone has to know someone who can hook me up...thanks Hello my friends at Spitz seeds. A few weeks ago I found myself at a gas station and I checked out the one of the promotional signs on the pump...I never really notice them. Anyway they were promoting a sale of Giant brand sunflower seeds...I saw they had a dill pickle flavor and was intrigued. I went into the station to buy some seeds...while there I did a price comparison and noticed your seeds were less expensive than the Giant ones...so I bought a bag of your dill pickle flavor seeds. And I loved them...they are awesome. I'm writing to you about seriously the best opportunity that has ever come your way. I would love for you to be th...