By kenny friedman on Sunday, December 19, 2010
By kenny friedman on Thursday, December 16, 2010
Kids are funny when they play with their pets and Miloh's no exception.
There's of course the awesome video of the moment he and our dog Kalli truly bonded for the first time.
There relationship changes by the day. It's usually great as he feeds her as he's being fed...except we're trying to stop that now. Every once in a while it will go sour when Miloh tries to climb her while she sleeps, but they end out making up with some smooches and licks.
And if the leash is every left out Miloh will sit by the door and hold it up hoping to be able to take Kalli for a walk...he'll have to figure out the walking part before that really works.
Then there is Zoggs our cat. He's a kitten type cat who always wants attention...yet when a 10 month old is chasing him he gets a bit squirrelly. When Miloh's able to catch him Zoggs will be manhandled a bit but he gets away when he wants.
And finally there's Random. Aptly named you never really know what she'll do. She's a loaner 99 percent of the time...the other one she'll get super loving in almost an annoying way.
Well Random was getting old, we realized she was blind (so cliche) and wasn't able to get around much.
That was great for Miloh. He was finally able to have a pet he could really snuggle with. One he could cuddle and lay on. One who couldn't get away.
That all changed today...we had to put Random down...it was time and she was going a bit wacko.
It's the first time Miloh had a pet die, but he'll never remember.
So yeah...there's a little less randomness in the world...but it's for the best.
Over a month ago I did my first book report for this blog and said I'd do some periodic reports on books that I feel miss the mark a bit for one reason or another. Perhaps they have run on sentences, innapropriate material or are have mistakes.
Well time flies... and here's the second installment, which is really the first because the original post was a good book.
The book I did a report on is called The Icky Bug Counting Book by Jerry Pallotta and illustrated by his bestest friend in the world Ralph Masiello.
The Icky Bug book is about icky bugs. It has icky bugs in it and it has numbers too...
Damn I loved those kind of book reports.
We don't own this book so I won't say it's the most thorough report but what do you expect...it's like 32 pages and that's a lot.
Anyway it starts out all cute, and with number one which is a fantastic place to start a counting book.
|Do not count the dead grasshopper.|
Yeah I've been sick lately and not writing posts... but that will change shortly.
I try to keep my work stuff separate from this site, but in this project Miloh makes a cameo–not the one in the pic above.
Head over to Flakeover.com, the website my company made for the holidays. A lot of good people spent time on it so I hope you enjoy and share with friends. Enjoy
By kenny friedman on Tuesday, December 07, 2010
I never really understood the phrase "Sick as a Dog." Using the Google and going to the number one ranked page I found out that it was first used in the 1700s but no one really knows why it is used that way. So I'll just say I'm sick as a dog who has a horrible cold.
I got said cold from MF. He hit the milestone of being sick for the first time.
Little dude got sick Friday night and the only way to get him to stop crying and sleep was to sleep next to him. He needed to be touching one of us to feel comfortable. Really it's pretty common and we would have had him in our bed if we weren't 100% sure he would crawl over one of us and off the bed.
So there I slept on the floor next to his floor bed...essentially making it a bed floor for both of us, he needed to curl up next to me.
Every 45 minutes or so I would be awakened by being kicked in the head, crawled over or having a toy thrown at my feet. He'd wake and get antsy and since we had this stupid idea of no crib he's able to do whatever he wants in the room...sometimes it backfires.
Well, and here's where the physics come in, when morning came I had a huge neck/headache from sleeping on the floor and getting very little sleep: action > reaction.
Yada yada yada, he was sniffly all weekend and wasn't sleeping well. I was wiping copious amounts of snot off on my hand or sleeve then onto my jeans...I'll wash them soon...but I didn't mind.
That's a huge shift for me, I hated snotty kids...I mean let's get real a child with snot just running down their nose is just plain disgusting. But when it's your kid it's different, it's a combination of cute and super sad...like ____ (pretend I came up with a good analogy even though I can't because I'm too sick to come up with something good. I was thinking a movie that was cute and sad but nothing came to mind.)
So there I am wiping all the snot off of him, or maybe 50% of the snot with Staci getting the other half, when a tiny little cold germ decides to look for a new home and come into me.
Miloh got me sick: action > reaction.
And this made me feel more sympathetic to him, because I probably have what he had, and it started off brutal.
Then as I was sweating out whatever he passed on to me I thought about how he'd be when sick. Will he be like me or Staci.
Staci goes from 0-60 immediately. She's never just a little sick...in fact she always says whatever she has is the "worst". So each cold is worse than the next if you think about it. I kid her about it a lot because it's kind of funny...well it is if you're not the one who has the "worst" sinus headache ever. But she's good at fighting whatever she has out fast.
I on the other hand don't often get sick. Maybe twice a year. I get the start of colds and such but I can usually get rid of them before they start...my theory is that I've taken so few antibiotics (because I'm the typical guy who won't go to the doctor unless I'm dying) that my body can handle everything.
But when I get sick I get really sick, and that's when my feet start hurting. I do this odd thing when I'm sick where I walk weirdly on my feet so my ankles hurt, because if my ankles hurt it makes me forget the pain of whatever I have. I know it's odd but it's subconscious and I've been doing it for as long as I can remember...it's my defense mechanism.
So will MF rarely get sick yet when he does will he screw his feet up so much that it's painful to walk for days? Or will he get sick more often and go from 0-60 but get rid of the sickness fast? Or will it be a combo?
From this cold it looks like it could be a combo. He was really sick for two nights but we helped kick it out fast. But now his runny nose lingers.
But if he could talk he could honestly say it is the "worst" cold he's ever had.
By kenny friedman on Thursday, December 02, 2010
I thought I'd get a little serious today.
People often say that Miloh's cute...and I don't think it's the bullshit "oh, he's so cute" thing you say to a friend with an ugly kid just because it would be horrible to say a kid was ugly.* I do think he's cute, in a objective, and subjective, way.
But I actually figured out why he's cute and this is what this post is about.
You seen he has a small head. At one time he was at 25% head size...he's now at 5%. This makes him look like a tiny version of an older kid.
But it also makes him a Pea-Head...that's the street term. The politically correct term is Pea-Headed American.
Not a lot of people talk about Pea-Headedness. I can't think of any time I've seen or read a news story about it. Dick Gordon from NPR's The Story never did a segment on Pea-Headed Americans.
And since it's a bit unknown I thought I'd say a little bit about it.
Pea-Headed Americans are just like you. They can do pretty much everything you do. Their incredibly teeny tiny heads don't affect their intelligence because, if I remember correctly from 3rd grade or whatever, it's the folds in the brain that link to intelligence not the size of the brain.
However...there are some things they can't do.
They may not be able to purchase a fitted cap. If they go to a batting cage or play little league their head will be too small for all helmets and will spend a lot of time pushing the brim up...for this reason you see very few Pea-Headed American baseball players. They can easily get their head stuck in a fence...I don't have statistics of this but I assure you if I had them they would be alarming.
I actually know these things because I too am a Pea-Headed American. I was made fun of in school for having a tiny head...well I'm not totally sure that's true, I was made fun of for being short but I wouldn't be surprised if someone called me a pea-head.
When going to find a fitted Cubs cap I was laughed at by the people in the store for having such a small head size, 6 3/4, that it was the smallest fitted size they had and they only ever sold it to kids.
I once even dated a girl who made fun of me when my bike helmet was so large on my head that I looked like a Star Destroyer Commander from Star Wars. I later married that woman and we had a Pea-Headed American child. I just hope she can be a little more sensitive with him.
So I ask you to think about Pea-Headed Americans tomorrow (or today, or yesterday blah blah blah) December 3rd, which I have decided to designate as National Pea-Headed American day.
You can even get a twibbon for facebook or twitter to show your support.
*of course no kid is ugly
This post may be hilarious or it could be that I'm just short on oxygen from laughing so much that I couldn't breath.
Earlier I put Miloh to bed just as I normally do. Plopped him on his floor bed and lied on the floor next to him with my hand on his back. 4 out of 4.5 times that I do this I fall asleep next to him...and that did happen but that's not the story.
We give Miloh a pacifier when he goes to sleep. It's really the only time he needs one and it's great because it's a cue for him to go to bed, or when he grabs it for us to know he's sleepy.
But he's fickle and often likes a couple—of identical—pacifiers to choose from and/or switch throughout the night.
Now if you remember from an older post he sometimes puts one of the pacifiers in my mouth, you know because I have a hard time sleeping without one.
Today he only had one.
Well there I am lying next to him when he shoves his hand in my mouth...then he scrapped my mouth with his nails and grabbed my teeth and wiggled my head. So I spit out his hand.
He wouldn't have it...he shoved his thumb in my mouth and wiggled it. I kept it there for a few second and I spit it out. Then he put it back in...that's when I started laughing.
I realized he was giving me his thumb to suck for comfort because I had no pacifier. And that's when I started laughing...with a tiny thumb in my mouth...and silently because I din't want to wake him as he was so almost asleep.
He wouldn't let me take his thumb out—he just kept it in my mouth and wiggle it—until he rolled.
And since I was then unable to sleep because I had no pacifier or thumb he tried to get the thumb back in my mouth...but he missed...and now his thumb was in my nose...but just a bit.
And that's when he shoved his thumb all the way up my nose...and I was still laughing...I had been this whole time...I could barely breath.
I either woke him a bit or he realized he didn't have the thumb in my mouth so he made a quick transfer.
Then he rolled.
I soon fell asleep on his floor like usual and without a pacifier or thumb.
When I first started this blog I did a post about our plans for MF. One of the things I planned on creating was a style guide for MF (we didn't know if he was a boy or girl at the time).
The style guide was going to have your basics; font (just because), color palette and then add some child specific things such as rules for clothes he/she would wear.
One of the big reasons for the clothes do/don't list is because we (mostly Staci but maybe by only a small margin...51%) weren't fans of the stupid sayings on clothes...mostly boys clothes. I realize I'm probably offending some who only have those kind of clothes for their kids...and that's cool if you do...and you know I could care less about offending folks.
If Staci had to pick the gender of our baby based on clothes it would definitely be a girl she wanted because she's bummed at how every store you go into is about 80% clothes for girls.
To make things worse all the boys clothes have little saying on them; I'm Crabby, Bananas For Mommy, Dog Gone Cute, Nuts About Grandma and such. If you've been in a Carters store you've seen them all.
So Staci was adamant that Miloh wouldn't have the stupid saying shirts and onesies.
But we had to cave a little because the Carters PJs are cute, cheap and comfy (we think) so we got some that said "I'm in Charge" (animals including a rhino), "Snugglesaurus" (dinos) and a harmless "I'm too cute" duck.
Those were gateway clothes.
MF looked so cute in them and they still seemed comfy so we bought them in the next size up.
Then one day something happened.
Staci came home with some PJs for him that were grey and blue stripes and said "Dog Gone Cute" and to make matters worse there was a dog face on his butt (stop looking at my kid's ass).
She was so excited about putting them on him and giggled like a child when they were on...then she looked at me and said "Well, he is Dog Gone Cute."
|This would actually show the saying if he would've sat still.|
But if the "I'm in Charge" PJs were the marijuana of boys clothes the "Dog Gone Cute" was the cocaine of clothes...and Staci soon became addicted to the crack of clothing. My wife had changed...no longer the woman I married. She was became a slogan addict.
I guess I became and enabler...
One weekend soon after we established MF was "Dog Gone Cute" we learned that he was in fact "Bananas for Mommy" that he wants to go bananas (we know this because one says "Let's Go Bananas"...he uses that expression a lot) and that he's "Nuts for Daddy."
We saw a "King of the Crib" PJ set but opted to wait until "King of the Floorbed" was back in stock.
And these are now Staci's favorite clothes for him...if you asked her she'd probably still not be a fan of the "I'm Crabby" kind of shirts because they are negative stereotypes. But look for an update to this post in a few months...because I wouldn't be surprised if one of those sneaks it's way in MFs closet.
Coming off my last wisdom post I thought I'd take on English. It's a silly hard to understand language with all the idioms and double meanings of things. Although that's what also makes it great. However there are a couple things to look out for.
Wisdom for Miloh: Questions are often statements.
You'll see this a lot in the work world...people often want to state their opinion but at the last minute decided to be nice so the statement ends up like a question. "What if we threw Turkeys out of a helicopter?" means "We should throw turkeys out of a helicopter." which actually means "We're going to throw turkeys out of a helicopter."
Its subtle but it's something to look out for.
Women use this question as statement often. "Do you think we should paint the living room?" means "I got some paint sample and cleared your calendar for Saturday so you can paint the living room."
There is also "Is that what you're wearing?" That means you should change your outfit...however you should always answer that question with a "Yes" and continue to get ready.
I could probably think of more things here but I think you get the point and I'm kinda sick so the brain isn't working at it's best.
Bonus wisdom for Miloh: Maybe pretty much always means no.
I don't often quote lyrics (or maybe I do) but these from Jack Johnson's Flake are so true. This one goes true for men and women. I'm sure there has been a time were it meant yes but I can't think of any off hand.
Staci: "Do you want to go to a beach for winter break?" Me: "Maybe"
What was actually said there is "We should go to a beach for winter break." "No." And you will thank me for this later when we spend that time snowboarding every year...I suppose it would be ok-ish to spend it surfing and snorkeling...but I'd need to learn to surf and why waste the winter time? Right?
Ladies and gentlemen...Les Nessman:
WKRP Turkey Drop
and a bonus...Jack Johnson with Ben Harper
Wisdom for Miloh: You don't need math.
The teachers will say you need math...that's a lie.
First, you have a computer and probably some crazy smart phone that I can't even phathom right now.
Second you have an aunt who teaches statistics. Use that smart phone and call her up to get answers to any math question you have...I do.
So skip your math classes and go to recess...go on the merry-go-round thingy. There's a little math involved there with centrifugall force and such but it's more physics, which might have a bit of math...but nothing a computer can't do.
Instead of doing math homework in the winter we'll go snowboarding. Same thing with math and physics there...same thing with a computer being able to do it. I suppose you can rationalize that you need math to figure out your rotations but that's easy and you probably only need to figure out rotations up to 1270s...I'm guessing they will progress past the 1080 by the time you board.
When you need to get out of math in college let me know. I did by writing a paper on why photography is math. Sure I had to take an extra photo class for the credits, but I took way too many anyway.
With the merry-go-round, snowboarding and photo reference you'd probably think that you do need math. You don't.
I'm not sure why, but early on we decided that we wanted Miloh to know how to speak and read. Therefore decided to read to him. I know it's weird but we're just like that.
It's a simple 7 spread book with art words like Moma, Dada, Van Gogh and such.
I was an art major so I got stuck on a few of the spreads. Sure Van Gogh is in his style as Dali is in his and such.
But cubism is just blocks stacked up, in more of a pop style if anything. Plus why is MoMA in there? It's not a style.
That's when I hated the book.
But after reading it a few times I got it.
MoMA is a pic of a kid with his mom. Dada is a dad. Dali a doll and Cubism was blocks. I'm sure Miloh got it at his young age and I was a bit of a fool.
The art major in me then loved the irreverence of it...because art should be fun and not untouchable. Now it's one of my favorite books to read to Miloh...although it's a bit short.
So check it out...and wait for some upcoming book reports where I rip the books to shreds.
|October 29 - November 4|
Colors based on the spring 2011 color trends for men's fashion...because Miloh is planning ahead.
Wisdom for Miloh: don't carry things you could have let go.
I learned a lot in college but I retained very little that actually matters. That's the thing about college...you learn a ton of crap you won't really need just because you have to get requirements in several areas of study.
One of the nuggets of information I retained, and think about a lot...I mean a lot...I've probably bored your mom with the story...it's a story of two monks.
I found this version here...it's the closest to how I heard it.
Two Buddhist Monks were on a journey, one was a senior monk, the other a junior monk. During their journey they approached a raging river and on the river bank stood a young lady. She was clearly concerned about how she would get to the other side of the river without drowning.
The junior monk walked straight past her without giving it a thought and he crossed the river. The senior monk picked up the woman and carried her across the river. He placed her down, they parted ways with woman and on they went with the journey.
As the journey went on, the senior monk could see some concern on the junior monk's mind, he asked what was wrong. The junior monk replied, "how could you carry her like that? You know we can't touch women, it's against our way of life". The senior monk answered, "I left the woman at the rivers edge a long way back, why are you still carrying her?"
The story is simple. The senior monk broke the rules he lives by for good. He knew it was the right thing so he did it and it was over, he didn't think of it again.
The young monk on the other hand kept his anger and frustration of not only something that another person did, but something that was in the past. Something that couldn't be changed.
I love the older monk's comment about why the younger one is still carrying the woman...monks are so cool with language.
It's not about forgetting the past, it's about acknowledging it and learning from it and letting it guide your future actions.
And the moral is mothers should never say "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed." At least I think that's what it is.
In my last post I wrote about how what I thought would be a love of handing out candy to trick-or-treaters was squashed the second I realized it involved talking to kids I don't know.
I thought I'd recall a couple events from yesterday to show how my wife rocks at trick-or-treat and how 8 can use some work.
We were at some friend's house when kids came by wanting some goodies. Staci answered the door and saw a kid dressed as Waldo and said something like. "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for Waldo for a long time and now you're right in front of me."
She said it in a different way but she was on.
Here was my one interaction with a kid...we got home later so trick-or-treating was ending.
I took our dog to pee while Staci put Miloh to sleep. There was a kid with her mom outside. As she got in front of my house I said, "I can give you candy if you don't ring the door bell. My kid's asleep." Pretty elegant don't you think...and it keeps all the magic of the holiday.
Then when I got inside I ripped open the bag of candy and gave some to the girl. She asked if I knew what she was dressed as.
She had a pink costume, semi plush and padded, with sparkles on it. I guessed princess...I wasn't sure why it was padded but I thought I had a 50/50 shot with that.
I was wrong. That's when I noticed the gloves hanging from her hands...I guessed dinosaur. She looked at me like I was a fool. Her mom told her to show me her hood. She turned around and there was a horn. She said "I'm a unicorn silly."
I said goodbye, closed the door and said, "read my freaking blog kid." And that's why I don't like dealing with trick-or-treaters.
P.S. I was dosed with cheese. At said friends house I took a piece of what appeared to be a bread with onion or garlic baked in. Apparently it was garlic and cheese. I noticed on the first bite and spit it out in my mouth...because I'm classy like that.
I survived both incidents but I'm scared by the horror of the night.
I'm a fan of Halloween...I had so much fun trick-or-treating as a kid so I loved the idea of kids coming to our place and trick-or-treating.
I looked forward to kids ringing the door bell in their cool costumes and me handing candy out.
Unfortunately when we lived in Chicago we didn't live in a neighborhood that kids came around to. But when we moved away...to some burbs...I was crazy excited about trick-or-treating.
The first year I bought the best candy, because I don't want to be one of those houses known for the bad stuff. I got a lot of candy because I didn't want any chance of running out.
This is where you probably think I'm going to say no one came...but they did. Sure maybe it was only about 20 door bell rings but it was something. Since then traffic has gone to shit...but it started good...and that's not what this post is about.
Here's how that first night went down.
Door bell rings...I get it. Then I realize I had to interact with kids. If you've been reading for a bit you know kids used to (and kind of still) freak me out.
So there was some kid standing at my door. I panicked...I didn't wait until they said trick-or-treat. I just gave them candy and shut the door.
Then the door rang again...I made Staci get it. She was so good with the kids. It rang again...I made her get it. It rang one more time and she coached me on what to say.
I said "What are you?" Listened to the answer and said, "here."
Staci's good. She would say, "Oh look at that you're a cute little princess. What do you say?" "What are you? Wow you're a big strong super her." I couldn't do that.
First off, I'm not going to tell some girl she's the prettiest princess I've seen when it's not true. I'm not going to ask a kid what they are dressed as when I know full well what they are. I'm not going to tell a kid he's scary, when he's dressed as that dude from Scream but he's only 3 feet high.
I realized the anticipation of trick-or-treaters was so much cooler than the real thing.
So while our house was known for good candy (Take Fives) we were probably also known for that weird guy that just gives you candy and says here...but barely looks at you.
But this is Miloh's first Halloween. He came to the party at my office. He got some candy but since he couldn't eat it I had it and promised I'd remember what I had so I can repay the candy loan when he's older.
I actually talked to the kids there this year...I'm not saying I deserve a medal, but I've come a long way from last year when I hid from them.
And Miloh wore his first costume...a cool skeleton body suit. I wish I could show a pic of it. But he was so happy to be able to crawl in such a large space that I couldn't get him still to get a good pic. Maybe I'll post one soon.
I did get one good shot...although I think it hides the costume a bit.
You can read about a couple actual horrors this Halloween in my revisited post.
Here's another piece of wisdom learned from a tattoo...specifically one I saw on Fuck Yeah Tattoos. Really at the rate these wisdoms are going you should ignore every 3rd one and just check out the site because it seems to be where I get my stuff from.
Wisdom for Miloh: Don't feed the bad wolf.
As I said while checking out FYT I saw a photo of a woman's tattoo that said "Don't feed the bad wolf."
She explains that it comes from a Cherokee story that I think is pretty great.
An elderly Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life…
He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”
They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win, Grandfather?”
The Elder simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Here's a little quiz for the new dads, and new moms...what's wrong with the picture below?
I must have puzzled over it for 5 minutes before I realized I was totally exhausted...then I felt like a complete idiot...nothing is wrong, green of course goes between blue and yellow...I just needed sleep.
I should have but I got cocky...I thought the worst was over...and I was wrong.
Hey Miloh, let me start by saying I'm a bit disappointed with you. Yesterday you totally dropped the ball in meeting a cute girl.
Sure she was about three and a half times your age, which could have been intimidating, but dude...she was totally interested in you. I realize you gave her the Miloh "how you doing" eyes but you need to follow that up with something. Some kind of line, an opener, whatever but just say something.
And that's my wisdom: Say something. Say something smart. Say something clever. Say something honest. Say Something scary. Say something painful. Say something meaningful. Say Anything. (I totally didn't plagiarize that*.)
I won't be able to pass along any good lines to pick up women...although I did pass along some bad ones.
However the one thing I can pass along is that if you say nothing you will get nowhere.
And, to fully understand the advice I'll force you to watch Say Anything because not only was it a great "semi-awkward, yet charming, guy gets the girl" movie but the main character Llyod Dobler was ahead of his time. He said "Kick Boxing. Sport of the future." And while kickboxing alone isn't super popular MME is...which is semi close-ish.. So all the folks who were thinking Llyod was a fool...looks like you were wrong-ish.
I'll also make you watch The Graduate, my roommates freshman year of college made me watch it when I liked a girl but hadn't yet talked to her. That one is a 'semi-awkward guy gets the girl' movie. I omitted 'charming' because Dustin Hoffman as Ben Braddock...not so charming.
Last I'll give you one extra piece of advice: There is a super short window of time that you will be able to make eyes with a girl, then try to feed a Cheerio to your mom (but miss her mouth), and still have the girl interested in you. That window is closing really fast...so think about taking that out of your repertoire.
Ladies and gentlemen...Llyod Dobler.
*OK, maybe not totally
I'm super fascinated by brains of kids at the age Miloh is (9 months-ish). He babbles a lot and it's hard to tell if he's content with his babble, and our smiles that it gets, or if he's trying to communicate.
Later you can see that a kid is trying to communicate and gets frustrated because he/she can't. Now is a weird sweet spot where I just can't figure what's going on in their brain.
So I thought I'd write what Miloh could be thinking from when I get home from work until he goes to bed.
This of course he he has mastered the English language...at least in thought...here goes:
Oh, there's that dude that lives here. Hey lady, did you see that? The dude that lives here just came home.
Hah, the dog is going nuts, she's funny. Look at her, she can't stop wiggling. Am I the only one seeing this? Hey folks are you seeing this? This is cracking me up.
Why did the dude pick me up? I'm sitting here watching this dog and having a good time when this dude decides to pick me up.
Oh...this is nice, I like when he holds me...but seriously why did you pick me up dude. Eff this I'm done, put me down. You know I can wiggle out of your grasp.
Oooohh...I'm going in the orange chair. Dinner. I've been sitting for 3 seconds...where are my Cheerios? I'm gonna bang on this thing til I get me...oh good, Cheerios.
What's for dinner? Goody, the orange stuff...I also would have accepted the pale green stuff.
Wait, hold up...where's the dog? I can't eat unless the dog is...what's this strap do? I can't reach it...hey lady I'll take a bit but then hold on...there's a strap on this chair and I need to figure out where it goes...oh shit, I forgot about the Cheerios.
Someone needs to make these easier to get in your mouth. I mean it's like I have one in my hand, bring it to my mouth then everything goes to hell. I'm batting 500 getting these in my mouth and I know it's not my fault. What does batting 500 even mean?
Hold up...ok one more bite...now hold up. There's another strap on this chair. This one's between my legs. I...can't...get...it...in...my mouth. Too far away. What if I bend like this?
I see you do have that pale green stuff. Can I have some? Awesome, thanks...this shit rocks...I'm gonna scarf it down...where's my water? No seriously where's my water? I'm not going to ask again...where is my freaking...oh thanks. This is some good stuff.
Wanna see this? I'm gonna throw the water cup on the ground and you'll pick it up. Here goes...see, you picked it up...oh Cheerio. I love these Cheerios...cup's on the ground, pick it up..hah. Hey doggy, lick my hands off...hold up, why are you wiping my hands? Don't you know their mouths are clean?
Cup's on the ground again, cup's on the ground, it's on the ground, hey...cup's on the ground.
Yeah lady...A shut up stick...I love these because they get you and that dude to shut up.
Hey lady want some? Do you? Here...no, c'mon why can't I get this in your mouth? Do you even know how to eat? Oh, there, good. Now bite down. Oh my god. Oh my god. This is awesome. You're eating. This is seriously good stuff. Let me try it again.
Haha...you're still eating. Hey, hey, hey dude did you see this? The lady's eating...freaking hilarious. I'm not kidding this is the funniest thing I've ever seen...I can't breath, no really I'm laughing so hard I can't breath...am I the only one seeing this? Why is no one laughing. This is some funny stuff...I can't control my self. Do you understand how funny this is? This lady, the one right here is eating stuff I'm putting in her mouth. Epic.
I'm done. No more. Don't try to push anymore food in my mouth. OK, maybe I'll grab a Cheerio but that's it.
Dude's picking me up again..don't you know I can crawl? Still, not a terrible way to travel. Sweet...bath time.
I'll just climb into the tub. Hey, why are you pulling me down? I know we're going in there. I'll assume it was a mistake and climb back in...DUDE...seriously why won't you let me climb in. I'll just go over to the toilet...hah...I knew that would get you moving....now get me naked and toss me in.
Yeah...that's what I'm talking about...warm bath...splash splash splash...where's that little rubber fish, no not the orange one I wan the purple...I think I can grab that whale on the faucet. I took it off once and if I stand up I should be able to get it. What does "we sit when we're in the tub" mean? You keep saying that. Every time I'm about to do something cool you say that. Does it mean "Sorry but I won't let you do anything cool?" because it kind of seems like it.
Oh...I like that lathery stuff....yeah...now I'm getting out. No, I'm getting out. I don't know what you mean by "we sit when we're in the tub." OK just get that lather off me quick, I'm getting out. I'm halfway out. Dude I was halfway out...yeah I know I'm all clean...why do you have to tell me I'm all clean...there it is again..."we sit when we're in the tub." Do you get paid every time you say that? Because you say it a lot.
Yeah we're out...I'm mean I loved the bath and all but I was done a bit ago...it's freaking cold...still I'm not gonna let you dry me off. Oh, well that's kind of nice, being wrapped like a burrito (whatever that is) so comfy...now I'm over it...let me crawl.
I'm so freaking tired...no really i'm tired. Where's my bottle. Thanks. Really? Are you really going to try to out me up there and get a diaper on me? Have you now been paying attention the last few months. OK, you got me up here but I'm just going to grab that bin of diapers...if I can just grab that bin...I'm going to flop over to grab that...got it. Oh man, don't flip me around I had that bin...oh, bottle I forgot about that. Damn, you got the diaper on...nice job distracting me with the bottle.
Now you want to take the bottle? Are you serious? You gave me the bottle and now you want to take it...oh, I get it you just wanted to shove my arm into the PJs...that's cool. I thought we were doing just one arm. We're doing both? no one told me.
Let's go over what has happened in the last 5 minutes. you gave me a bottle, you took away my bottle to shove my arm in the PJs. You gave me back my bottle, you took away my bottle and now it's back. I know I was crying before the bottle but there must be another way.
Yeah, book...I like the dog book. One question though. What dog eats beets? I doubt a dog would eat spinach but I know a dog wouldn't eat a beet. I'm done with the book. I'm so tired...no more book.
I'll finish my bottle...just a bit more...I'll...zzzzzz. Why are you moving me? I was asleep in your lap and now you move me. You get a minute of tears for that one. Waaaah...oh, so sleepy. Can't stay awa.....
Did you not think I'd here you leave? That door is squeaky. Weren't you going to fix that? Well...now I'm up. Put me in my bed but it won't work...I'm up.
Lying next to me does nothing...watch this...I'll crawl over you...see...hah...so sleepy...zzzz.
C'mon. Why couldn't I sleep half on you half on the bed. Isn't that the point of this crazy floor bed? I get independence or something? I want to sleep on you.
One second...there's a book over there I wanted to read...no "ssshhhh" I gotta get that book. Don't hold me back...ahhh...the book with the rabbit I can touch...zzzzzz.
For your information I know you're moving me but I choose not to fight it. I'll get you tomorrow. Good night.
I was on Moosejaw's site and I saw Cottage Cheese in the secondary nav so I clicked it. Not sure why because it's well known that I hate all things cheese and that cottage cheese in particular is really gross looking.
On that cottage cheese page I saw a thing called Moosejaw Humans of Influence in which they will name a piece of clothing after you. So since I'm batting 500 with my open letters I knew this situation called for another.
Dear People of Moosejaw (with some extra love towards Sam)
Let me start by saying you look fantastic today. No seriously. Did you cut your hair? No, that's not it...maybe that's a new shirt you're wearing. I'm not really sure what it is but I gotta say you look amazing (some may say "fantastic") today.
I saw that Humans of Influence page on your site and I thought to myself "this is a great way for me, out of the kindness of my heart, tell folks about Moosejaw while getting a hoodie (or something else) named after me (or more specifically named smonk you)."
To be honest there are couple things I don't know about the whole contest...is it still open? Well if it isn't you'll want to reopen it. Also are we talking just influence to Moosejaw, because while I do talk you up a lot I probably haven't added much value to you.
But if we're talking influence in general, well...my influence is as broad as something that is quite broad. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass because I don't smoke and your ass is no where near me.
You're probably saying to yourself "wow, is Kenny from smonk you really emailing me? This is the best day of my life." or if you don't have the internet and are receiving this email or reading this post via a print out from a friend you might be asking "who the hell is this Kenny guy from smonk you?"
Well in the unlikely case that the latter is true I'll tell you of my huge influence:
- When I was a barista and was 2400 miles away from where I worked some dude recognized me on the street and told me I made the best mochas he's had. Bonus points there because I was in Seattle at the time.
- My other blog has 2 posts about the great texts you used to send. It would have driven a ton of traffic to your site had I linked to you. I apologize that I didn't. But to be honest I'm not sure you can handle the traffic from the 20 people that go to that one each month.
- I'm BFFs with Kristen Bell...okay maybe not BFFs but we're definitely BFs
- I popularized the fake retweet and recently sold 3 retweets for $3.25 in an incredibly heated ebay auction battle. That's almost a $1.10 each.
- I need to be honest Kristen Bell and I are just Fs
- When I asked my twitter followers how they think I've been an HOI. Here are just a few of the answers I received: (this is where you'd hear crickets chirping)
- I have had a number* of people come to my website through a search for "a picture of someone being adventurous." Your brand is about adventurous people. *that number is 1
- A large number* people come to my site looking for instruction on how to swaddle a cat *size of number varies depending on the font size used.
- I feel like I may have mislead you about my relationship with Kristen Bell...we might not technically even be Fs...but we did trade tweets a few times #BeatThat
- Oh, and I invented pump toothpaste. Remember that? Yup I invented it as a child...seriously. Then before I had a chance to shop the idea around it went to market but I was a year ahead of that (at least). And we know how huge of an influence pump toothpaste has been in the daily lives of all humans.
So yeah...if you're looking for more Humans of Influence you need look no further. I am Human. And I have influence.
I'm cool with grabbing naming rights of the Leonard Smalls Hoody and changing it to the Fabulous Smonk You Hoody (or you can name it after my son and call it the MC Friedman). While Mr. Smalls is a great character I think we both know I could kick his ass.
Oh, and if my super impressive resume of influence (half of which wasn't even influence) doesn't seal the deal I think the video below will.
Because if you don't name a hoody Smonk You (or MC Friedman) my son Miloh will cry...and could you really live with yourself making this kid, who giggles like crazy, cry?
Yeah, you could wear me. The lovely folk at Moosejaw named a soft shell jacket after me. And totally unbiasedly it's the best soft shell I've ever worn.
It's no longer for sale because the season is up... Sad
I'll eventually get somewhere with this but I'll start with don't get a tattoo...well at least wait until you're 25. That might seem like an arbitrary age, and it is to an extent, but there are a ton of bad tattoos out there so waiting a bit is a good idea. Although by the time you're 18 you will probably be able to have them lasered off at a cart in a mall.
Also if you do get tattoos you need to vet them with me first...because like I said there is a bunch of crap out there...someone you know, not me, thought of getting a Smurf on a mushroom when they were 18.
I have one I don't dig...it meant something at the time but it's so abstract that it kind of means nothing...but I kind of see some tattoos as scars, or remembrances of things, and that's why I got that one so I'm cool with it...until the day comes that I think of something kick ass to cover it up with (sorry mom.)
Which (kind of) brings me to my latest tattoos, the one's I said I'd write up a bit. The idea came to me a few years ago. I wanted a tattoo on my forearms but I couldn't think of what to get so I wrote FPO on my arm where the tattoo would go.
|Still healing so it's a bit flakey looking.|
FPO stands for For Position Only (or For Placement Only) and it's a design term that basically says an image or empty space is just temporary. I can go into the whole thing but Wikipedia does it simplest.
I was rolling the idea around in my head for awhile but it wasn't working...then I saw an FPO with the bounding box (the X) and it clicked.
I dig them for a few reasons...I'm an art director, it's permanently temporary and I see For Placement Only as a bigger thing.
I think we're all FPO...I don't mean that in a crass way, like we don't count, I just mean we're really only around for a blip of time when you look at the history of the universe (that is if you believe in science and that crazy idea of the Big Bang or perhaps The Big Bang Theory.) And the Earth will (hopefully if we don't screw it up too much) out last us. So I see it as an environmental idea too...since we're only here for a bit (and borrowing the Earth from our kids) we shouldn't fuck it up.
And life seems short anyway...it moves so fast...so like I said in last week's post do things, have fun and make the most of the time we'r on this rock.
Unfortunately some people's lives are really too short and that makes our time here more precious.
I wanted to let my readers know about a girl that one of my first readers told me about. Her name is Getty and she's super cute and just over 7 months old. She has SMA which you can read about here. Children with SMA rarely live longer than 2 or 3 years of age.
There are a lot of upcoming events in the Bay area to help raise money for her care so if you're from there please check them out. One event coming up this weekend is a Craft Fair in Fremont Park in Sacramento (October 16 from 10-2) There are a lot of great vendors that will be there so if you're in the area please check it out.
This is is pretty much how every morning goes when we walk into Miloh's room. I had to cut it short short because a stray roach was walking around.
Update: to answer Lauren's question. This is the Cliff Notes version of how this started happening.
First thing is the floor bed should actually be called a bed floor. He often crawls out of his bed to sleep. Less now but he did a lot in the beginning.
And at first he'd crawl towards the door wanting to get out and he'd fall asleep right at the door. There were a couple clunks until we started opening the door super slowly.
Sometimes it took us awhile to open it. He could be right at the door and we had to nudge him out...slide a hand through and move him.
Then as he got older he tried to open the door...but sadly he often shut it. He'd open it ever once in awhile but it was a fluke.
But now that he's super old he gets how to open it. Most mornings he wakes around 6:20 and plays in his room for 15-30 minutes. We hear him clunking toys and talking.
Then when he wants us to get him he goes to the door and either kicks it or hits it. We hear the knocking head to his room and open the door a bit.
Then I think he backs up for us to open it...or on a lot of days for him to get the door.
The other day after Miloh chomped on his Cheerios while Staci and I ate dinner I through my hand up to him and said "high five."
I smiled...probably ear to ear and put my hand up again for another. He smiled and gave me a second high five.
We'd never done that before...I think one might have been offered when he was super young but I haven't tried in months. It was great.
Then I went to put him to sleep...I laid on the floor next to him (in case you didn't know we have a floor bed.) He was there hanging with his pacifiers, he only gets them when he goes to sleep and now he can only sleep with at least 2. One in his mouth the others in his hands or around the bed...he switches around a bit.
So there I was and he takes the one that isn't in his mouth and he tries to put it in mine. When he finally got it in my mouth, as opposed to my nose, cheek or eye, he smiled big.
Then he took it out and tried to put it back in...and smiled. This went on for a good 15-20 minutes.
I know he was stalling but it was kind of magical...something I never would have expected would happen.
I'm fortunate that I haven't gotten many negative comments on this blog. And when I do I have to decide if I just want to ignore it (most are probably from trolls), respond in another comment (what I would usually do) or take the time to write a whole post about it like I did with an anti-formula comment months back.
Well this one was pure gold so it gets it's own post. The comment was on a post that was basically just a picture of Miloh as we found him one morning...about 2 feet from his bed sucking his thumb.
Said comment was a little rant about how horrible it is that we are allowing him the independence of a floor bed. Seriously that's what it's about...independence = bad.
Here's the deal...I don't pretend that I think that there is a best way to raise a kid...I'm open to whatever works for others...so I get kind pissy when other people tell me what we're doing is wrong...because the floor bed is working for us, safe and great for Miloh
I thought I'd publish the comment and then rip it a new asshole...please join me in this journey.
You young parents are so excited about how fast you can get your child to be independent. My children when they woke up (in their cribs) they just picked up their "safe" toys and played with them. The giggled and oogled and spoke to them, but at least they were safe in their cribs, when I would go in to check on them, that's the way I found them and either I could pick them up and play with them or leave them until they had had enough. What happens when the baby is a little bigger and he's already bored with discovering everything their is "inside" his room. He ventures out into the kitchen? Heaven forbid their may be a stray roach or worse something falls on his head. And then the baby is a teenager and he is used to all this "independence", he wants to go out in the middle of the night, cause he's just bored;only satisying his curiosity, what is he or she going to find? What can you tell him or her? You don't go out in the middle of the night? Where are the boundaries? If the "baby" has been doing for himself for so long, don't say, we didn't see that coming. It is all cute when they are small, but they don't stay small and they grow up faster than you will ever believe, just remember the boundaries; there MUST be bounderies. MargieOK...I'm going to take this point at a time...
You young parents... Well Margie...you struck out on the first three words. I wouldn't call us young parents...not that we're old. But seeing that I'm 37 and my lovely wife is 35 I'd have to say you are wrong. From what I could find in the U.S. the average age that a woman has her first child is 25. We're 10 years over that.
You young parents are so excited about how fast you can get your child to be independent. We're not excited about how fast we can get our kid to be independent. We're excited about his development in general. Yes he is independent but we're not trying to push him out of the house on his own any time soon.
My children when they woke up (in their cribs) they just picked up their "safe" toys and played with them. If you bothered to read any of my posts about floor beds (you can find a convenient label on all my floor bed posts that will filter only said posts) you would have learned that his whole room becomes his crib. It's a safe area with "safe" toys in it.
We opted for only safe toys at his reach as our original plans for having broken glass, loaded guns, sharp knives and explosives at his reach just didn't seem right.
The moral is he crawls out of bed and every thing he can get into is safe and baby proof.
The giggled and oogled and spoke to them, but at least they were safe in their cribs, when I would go in to check on them, that's the way I found them and either I could pick them up and play with them or leave them until they had had enough. I don't charge for vowels. You could have added the 'y' to 'the' but don't worry I figured out what you were trying to say. I pretty much dealt with this a second ago (opted for no guns and broken glass and instead offer age appropriate toys and books) but we don't really have a problem finding him when we go into his room in the morning.
Yes he does have a large room but as you can see from the photo in the original post he's not super hard to find. We're lucky that his floor isn't covered with grass and that the only PJs we can find are grass camouflage.
Also we have the ability to pick our son up and play with him or leave him to play on his own...not sure why you thought a floor bed would be any different but...whatever.
What's actually really nice about using a floor bed is we can also lay with him as he goes to sleep...that's amazing.
What happens when the baby is a little bigger and he's already bored with discovering everything their is "inside" his room. When Miloh is bigger and is "bored" with discovering everything in his room we'll switch things up in his room. We don't keep all his toys out. That's actually one of the things you're supposed to do when you follow the Montessori method...change things up so the child isn't bored.
Plus we have things here that they may not have where you are from. I'm talking about safety devices that make it so a kid can't open the door. That will keep him from getting outside when we don't want him out...you know...so he's safe.
FYI I think you meant "there" not "their." Don't worry we all make mistakes.
He ventures out into the kitchen? Heaven forbid their may be a stray roach or worse something falls on his head. You should be glad I'm the one writing the response and not my wife. If she was writing you would get some more hard facts about why a floor bed can be a good thing for childhood development...that would be good. But you'd also get ripped a new asshole by suggesting we have stray roaches.
Seriously what's with the stray roach comment? Yeah I've lived in places with roaches...it happens...they were old places in Chicago...but in our area there just aren't any in a clean home...and we keep our place clean.
Also, if we had a stray roach and it fell on Miloh's head I'm not really sure what harm that would be. Not sure if you've seen a roach but they don't weigh a lot. It's just a bug...if it fell on your head you would hardly notice. Plus roaches don't bite...yes they can carry diseases but they aren't crazy contagious with any.
As far as the something else I'm not sure what that something that will fall on his head. We don't have huge chandeliers, mounted deer heads, ceiling gargoyles or anything else weird that would randomly fall on his head should he explore the house. We have tried our best to keep it child proof.
Oops...it happened again. You meant "there" instead of "their" you might want to work on that. Here's a link that might help.
And then the baby is a teenager and he is used to all this "independence", he wants to go out in the middle of the night, cause he's just bored;only satisying his curiosity, what is he or she going to find? What can you tell him or her? You don't go out in the middle of the night? Okay...a couple typos there but I'll forgive you. I'm not sure why Miloh changed from him (or he) to "him or her." Do you know something we don't? Will he get gender reassignment when he's a teenager? That would be odd.
Here's one of the biggest things you aren't understanding. Independence doesn't mean lack of boundaries. He has boundaries...right now it's the door to his room. Like I said his room is kind of like a really large crib.
He will have rules. We already set boundaries...so if he wants to go out in the middle of the night because he's bored we will in fact say you don't go out in the middle of the night.
Do you think we are freaking idiots? I mean that's common fucking sense.
Also, not sure how old your kids are, but I have a surprise for you. If they want to go out in the middle of the night they will probably find a way to do it where you don't know...unless of course you keep your kids in some super high crib until college. Here's an old post that shows an illustration of how that will work.
Where are the boundaries? If the "baby" has been doing for himself for so long, don't say, we didn't see that coming. I pretty much covered this already. Independence does not mean no boundaries. Did you really think it did? Or were you just bored and instead of walking into your kitchen, because a roach or something worse might fall on your head, you decided to troll on blogs? Also not sure who the "we" is...I think pretty much everyone who's read my blog has been supportive of the floor bed...if not very intrigued or thinking of trying it themselves.
It is all cute when they are small, but they don't stay small and they grow up faster than you will ever believe, just remember the boundaries; there MUST be bounderies. Margie This is where you sound like you care a bit...like maybe you weren't trolling and were maybe concerned. But like I said a few times here...we have boundaries, always will have boundaries and independence is not the lack of boundaries.
Anyway A big thank you for giving me something to write about this week. Also I'm always open to comments that agree or disagree with my views...just keep in mind the way they are delivered.
I recently got a couple new tattoos...I'll post about them later...but somehow while searching for tattoo stuff I happened upon Fuck Yeah Tattoos and I found this one.
|From Fuck Yeah Tattoos...not mine.|
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.It's so true...so do everything you want to do...take risks....have fun....and don't take life too seriously. Have fun.
By kenny friedman on Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sure it sounds to good to be true, but it is in fact true...and I'll get to that soon.
The now wildly famous Fake Retweet was born on a Friday when I was on the bus and was kind of bored. I thought I'd throw some star power behind some #FFs (Follow Fridays) of me. The first few I called out that they were fake, but that went away because, well that was just too boring.
Here are some of my faves, one is from Neil Patrick Harris and he's pretty hot right now.
Instead I'm offer you the opportunity to have me fake retweet you. Plus instead of having the money go to someone you don't know it will go to me. Or maybe I'll feel generous and buy something for Miloh (or Staci), yeah I realize that puts me in the same circle as Gandhi or Mother Theresa...I can handle it.
You can head to ebay to bid...and I know you want to. What I'll do is throw out not one, not two but three...yes three...fake retweets. They will all be different but will look something like this:
Oh, you're so sweet RT @yourtwitter name: I think People Magazine should name @smonkyou as sexiest man of the yearAnd if the bid goes over $25 (is there anyway it won't? I mean really I think we're looking at more like $2500) I'll throw in a smonk you T-shirt. The shirts were seen at the Blogher conference.
So don't delay...bid now. Please, don't everyone go to ebay at once...I don't want to shut it down.
Oh, and if you're still reading and not bored, you can head to Urban Dictionary and submit Fake Retweet...I'm sure their denial was just a mistake.