September 30, 2011

Future Miloh

A long, long time ago I was doing a guest post on someone's blog and I asked for suggestions of what to write about. Jason from The iHubby suggested I do a Lost style flash forward of what Miloh will be in when he grows up.

And I think this is a good week to write the post as it links to my earlier Open Letter post this week... A tiny bit of a spoiler... And no I don't think he should write open letters for free stuff so he never has to work a day in his life... That's my retirement plan.

That was super tough at the time because Miloh was just a little lump that didn't do much... But now he's got a personality so maybe I can guess... Of course I'll probably be wrong. But I can say that I think people's careers are hard wired early. I remember a ton of ad campaigns from the 80s... Way too many... And I'm in marketing so really that ridiculous use of my brain is important.

Also anything I think he will be is probably me just wishing stuff on him... Like wishing that at the age of 12 he will be able to support Staci and I through a professional snowboarding career.

My biggest hope of what he'll be when he grows up (besides happy, successful and all the bullshit people say) is that he'll do something that involves critical thinking, creativity or something that's hands on.

There's a long detailed rant I could give about that but instead I'll take a quote from Thomas Friedman in a speech at the U of M.

I tell my, girls I got to find a job when I graduated college. You'll have to invent a job when you graduate college.
So if you take that idea, because I'll brainwash it into Miloh's head, and his current personality and likes maybe I can take a guess... Which of course could be wrong.

First off he loves cameras... Freaking loves them (side note he finally let's us take photos of him again and he evens poses).

He also loves animals of all kinds but is semi-obsessed with fish and ocean mammals. Any book we have that has a picture of a fish is dubbed a Fish Book.

Super old, semi-crappy (because of the flash) picture of Miloh at the aquarium.
He also loves swimming. At first he hated it... Now he jumps right in and we can't hold him back... We do have to hold him up or else he'd drown which is not ideal.

So you put them together and you get an underwater videographer or photographer.

And that would be my guess... And it would be awesome because if he was awesome at it his job wouldn't be replaced by someone getting a non-living wage.

I may be wrong... Probably will be... But if Vegas would take the bet I'd through down a little cash on it.

September 27, 2011

Yeah I did it again... Another open letter

Dear folks at Pentax

Today I got a fortune cookie that said "The thought that leads to no action is not thought--it is dreaming." And I thought about it for a second and then wondered why they used two dashes instead of an em dash. Seems a bit lazy to me on the part of the fortune cookie writer. But then I thought that I should write this letter today because I had the idea a bit ago and if I don't write it soon there will be no point. 

I should also note that the other day I got a fortune that said "Your judgement is a little off at this time.  Rely on friends." I chose to ignore that one as there was a double space after the period.

But I'm not bugging you just to tell you I eat a lot of Chinese food. I'm bugging you for a totally different reason.

I want to ask if you want to make me the happiest male-mommy blogger by sending me a Optio WG-1 camera. In return I'll make Pentax my semi-official point and shoot camera for the blog. I won't make it the semi-official camera because there's no way I'm giving up my 7D... I realize that mentioning another camera manufacture could hurt my chances in working with you... Perhaps that damn cookie was right.

Right now you're thinking "I should delete this message now..." But don't do that... Because at the end I'll tell you a stupid joke that will be worth reading the whole thing. 

You're probably also wondering why I think you'd want to work with me. Well here's why:
  • I am the only daddy blogger that has had a photo published in RayGun Magazine. Remember that magazine? It rocked and I shot Jim O'Rourke for one issue. I should say I don't know for a fact that no others have shot for the magazine but I'd bet some good cash on it.
  • I once got a massage next to Mat Hoffman two hours before I did a photo shoot with him. 
  • On a photo shoot Dr. Maya Angelou said she liked my hair. I was not the photographer on it, I was the art director... But still, c'mon that rocks. 
  • People often ask me for my extremely opinionated views on what camera to get. If the Optio WG-1 truly rocks I will let everyone know.
  • My blog get's a ton* of traffic from some of the most searched terms on google* "being a dad is the worst", "can you put peanut butter on fish", "egress freak scam", "happy fathers day weird holiday", "kenny naked", "pooping rabbit ikea play garden", "what fish can you catch with peanut butter", "worst things you can say to an animal", "how to determine the amount of urine in a pool" and more. *I may have exaggerated on the words ton and most searched.
  • I'm already brainwashing my son to love photography.
That last bullet point is actually quite important. He's 1.725 years old. According to the Guinness World's Records the youngest photographer to have a show was two years and two days old. Miloh already plays with a camera. If we get one in his hand that's durable (so I'm not scared of it breaking) he has a chance at shattering that record.
Imagine that... Pentax being behind the World's youngest photographer... Could happen.

Also in reality it's a no lose situation. If you have a summer intern right now you can blame them if someone asks why in the world you'd give some random dude a camera. You just say, "oh that was the intern's fault. We won't be hiring him/her. What a stupid thing he/she did."

But while you can blame someone else for a mistake you can reap the rewards if folks in your company love the idea and see the value. 

What will I do with the camera you ask? For starters I'll actually take snapshots and post them to the blog attributing the camera... I'm notorious for not taking snapshots... The curse of being a photographer sometimes... But I'll carry the camera wherever.

That includes to Mexico this winter where it will be submerged in water while I snorkel. It will aslo see the snow here in MN. And will probably be dropped often when my son get's sick of playing with it... He tends to just drop things he's no longer interested in rather than placing them down nicely... But that won't matter because of the shockproofedness of the camera. 

I'm not the biggest daddy blogger out there, that's a fact. I'm only 5'6" but you'll get an ROI if we work together. And I'm guessing it will be a positive ROI. If not you blame the intern, remember?

So c'mon let's do it. 

Oh, and here's the awesome joke. Why was the broom late ? It over swept! Hah. 

Kenny "Father of the soon to be youngest photographer" Friedman

September 23, 2011

Suck On This Vegans... Or People That Are So Close To Being Vegan But Can't Give Up Butter Or Brownies.

If it wasn't for butter or readily available, super good pastries and baked goods I'd be vegan.

That being said I can't think of a time I cooked mac and cheese until about two weeks ago. I got smart early. around eight, and gave up cheese and that was pre-mac and cheese cooking time.

But I found myself having to make a bowl for Miloh a few weeks back... And I'm not ashamed to say I had no idea what I was doing. I could follow the box directions but I'm all for tasting foods when cooking and there is no way in hell I'm gonna taste cheese voluntarily.

And then there are eggs... Honestly I can't think of a time I've ever eaten an egg (outside of the aforementioned baked good category). But one night a bit ago when I was trying to figure what I'd feed Miloh for breakfast the next morning, since it was my time for MF duty, I decided to make hard boiled eggs.

Luckily we have a little egg thing you throw in the water and it tells you when the eggs are done.

But it came time in the morning to open the egg and, as it was the first hard boiled egg I've ever opened, it was a huge pain in my ass. It took way to long.

So after a few subsequent attempts at trying to open a hard boiled egg in under five minutes I decided I needed a better morning egg strategy for Miloh's breakfast.

Enter the over easy egg.

Not sure why I decided I'd make an over easy, because I had/have no idea what the different varieties of cooked eggs are, but I thought it would be easy since it's half the name.

So using the google I found an Alton Brown recipe for them.

And I cooked it. And it looked right (I think). And Miloh said it was the "Best fucking egg he ever had." Or maybe he said  "good" and cranked his head up and sideways as he does when he said it. But what he meant is it was the best fucking egg he's ever had.

If you remember a post from long ago I always thought good dads were known for making good eggs... But since I don't eat them I'd have to switch from eggs to waffles.

Well now I make good eggs and good waffles.

Moral of the story: I rock. And eggs smell so freaking disgusting I can't understand why anyone eats them.

September 20, 2011

Freedom… Sweet Freedom

I felt that today. It was 7:40 and I got Miloh strapped into his car seat and watched Staci take him to school.

At that moment I knew that I had 48 (ok maybe 46) hours of freedom from having to get up early. And it feels good.

 Aside from random events we alternate days that we put Miloh to bed and get up with him in the morning.

 As I’ve mentioned before I’m not a morning person. So while it’s great hanging with Miloh in the morning, sharing some breakfast, some laughs, reading a book or maybe running around a coffee house because they have a good little breakfast for him and you forgot to prepare something in advance and realize you have no energy to make something good, it’s just way too early for me.

 Maybe I should feel bad but there’s something awesome about hearing him wake up and cry out for us and knowing that it’s not my turn to get him. And there is something horrible about hearing him wake up and cry out for us and realizing that I have to find clothes, get up and pretend I’m not totally freaking exhausted at 6AM (which is technically three hours earlier than anyone should have to wake… And yes I have a job with regular hours.)

 So yeah…While I love my kid I gotta say that knowing that I’m not going to have to get up with him tomorrow is awesome.

Moral of the Story: Kids rob you of your sleep.

P.S. I still wind up waking at 7AM because he wants to see me and comes up stairs to bang on our bedroom door… And while that’s cute and sweet and all it’s still freaking early.

September 18, 2011

Time Out (Smarted)

Staci and I always talked about when came time to discipline Miloh we would be very careful about the whole counting to three thing. Watching Super Nanny (yeah I've watched it) and just knowing folks that don't actually do something on three made it really important that if we did it there would be consequences on three.

And now is when Miloh's trying to really test us... And he's showing his devilish side (some folks call it his Kenny side). So the counting started.

One morning I caught myself having to do the count. I just figured he'd back down at two and we'd be all good.

Then I was caught off guard when I hit three. So time out it was (a super small one where he sits in the corner and we tell him why he's in the corner).

I'm not sure exactly what he did... It was probably something like sitting on a drum, feeding the dog people food, stepping in the dog water bowl multiple times or whatever.

The problem is that he doesn't care... He's too smart. He just sits there knowing it will be over soon. Like an angel he sits quietly, looks at us, waits it out and goes on his way.

And then there was today... This time it was putting his foot in the water dish many after being asked not to.

So I sat him down put him in his time out space and started, "One..." and then I heard a quiet little, "two" followed by a "three."

And so we've lost. And he's proven he's smarter than us.

September 13, 2011

Toddlers in the office

Given some of Miloh's new phrases and thoughts I got thinking what would office life would be like if our minds stayed in the toddler stage, although some people may think that happens anyway.

We'd get emails like this:

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: I did it

Just wanted you to know that I got to work today and turned on my computer.

Thanks, Miloh

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: I did it

Just wanted you to know that I closed the door to my office.

Thanks, Miloh

From: Boss
To: All office
Subject: Some praise for Miloh

Hi all, I have some very exciting news today. About ten minutes ago I looked at Miloh and asked "Do you need to go to the potty?" And he said yes. So I put him on the potty and he went.

This is a great day for our whole team. In honor of this milestone we'll be having a celebration with ice cream after nap.

Please stop by his office and congratulate him,
The Boss.

From: Mandy
To: All office
Subject: re: Some praise for Miloh

Just wanted everyone to know I went potty today too.

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: Trucks, Trucks, Trucks

Hey boss, there were trucks outside the office yesterday and they aren't there today. Where did they go?

Thanks, Miloh

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: My toy

Delilah took my toy.

Thanks, Miloh

From: Boss
To: Miloh
Subject: re: My Toy

It's not your toy. And you have to share.

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: re: My Toy

But she took my toy. It's my toy. Miloh's.

From: Boss
To: Miloh
Subject: re: My Toy

You have to share.

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: re: My Toy

Delilah pushed me after I took my toy and pushed her.

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: re: My Toy

Miloh, It's not your toy. And you get a time out for pushing her.

Hands are not for pushing.

From: Delilah
To: Boss
Subject: Miloh pushed me

Miloh pushed me and took my toy.

Thanks D

From: Boss
To: Delilah
Subject: re: Miloh pushed me

Delilah, First off, it's not your toy. But he got a time out for pushing you. You will get a time out if you push him again.

Hands are not for pushing.


From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: I did it

Just wanted you to know that I threw a noodle on the ground at lunch and you picked it up for me.

Thanks, Miloh

From: Miloh
To: Boss
Subject: re: Trucks, Trucks, Trucks

Hey boss, haven't heard back from you about the trucks. Where did they go?

Thanks, Miloh

From: Boss
To: All office
Subject: Naptime

Everyone go to sleep.

Of course that wouldn't be the end but you get the point. But as I wrote I actually recognize some of these emails from jobs I've had... Which is scary.

September 8, 2011

Things I Can't Do Anymore

When you have a kid you know there will inevitably be things you can no longer do... Some are obvious some aren't.

I'm now learning the subtle things I can't do know that we have a toddler.

  • I can't swear as much... Well that is kind of obvious... But now I can't even use substitute words. Like the other day when I said to our dog "Kalli, stop eating the freaking noodles." And Miloh then went around the house saying "free-in noo-noos."
  • I can't eat anything that Miloh can't eat. I've tried to sneak things like taffy or candy that we don't want him to eat. He sees me every time and asks for it. 
  • I can't turn the light on or off in an airplane. Well I can if I want Miloh to turn it on and off for the next 40 minutes. 
  • I can't pull an iPod out of my bag before a plane takes off... As there will be crying when it needs to be stowed during take off.
  • I can't teach him to head butt me. When he was super young I'd touch heads to him to say goodbye. Then one day when he was older he head butted me pretty hard... So we stopped that.
  • I can't take my camera out. This one is tough because it means I can't get photos of him. But any time I take it out he scurries to my side of the lens and starts playing. 
I'm sure there are more. And I'm sure the list will grow. I'm sure you all have some too... I'd love to hear.

September 6, 2011

You Can Wear Me

When I was a boy I had one dream... That people would some day wear a shirt named after me. Well maybe I didn't have one dream. I guess it would depend on my age.

At one point I wanted to own a pet store and breed gerbils. It's unclear if I'd carry animals other than gerbils but I'm guessing I wanted to be known as the "Gerbil Guy."

And that at one point I wanted to make those big lego constructions, and at one time I wanted to be an astronaut, a marine biologist, a zookeeper and more.

But we're here to talk about my dream to have a shirt named after me.

Well I have yet to achieve that... But I do now have a softshell jacket named after me.

Remember that time I wrote an open letter to Moosejaw telling them why I was a Human of Interest? Well if you don't you can click on that link in the last sentence. But if you do you can read on.

I was told a bit ago that they do in fact think I'm and HOI (but we already knew that) and I'd be getting a softshell jacket named after me... And it's available now... The Kenny Friedman softshell jacket.

Freaking named after me.
What you're going to want to do is buy one for every member of your family... Because, well, it's named after me...

And if that's not enough you can get a Smonk You shirt. My store is still kind of in beta (and probably always will be) because I haven't filled out the breadth of gear... But since you're already pqyched about wearing me I thought I'd give you more chances.

The words appear backwards in a mirror... It's magic.
Here's what people would be saying about my shirt if I had asked them for a quote:
Morgan from The 818 "This would look awesome on that homeless guy I see in the park."
Mandy from Harper's Happenings "Now I have a new rag to clean up spills with."
Mae from Parenting in Progress "It's made of cotton."
Jen from her blogs but mostly twitter "I'd wear it to buy cheese but I'd be afraid someone would see me."

And now that I'm done with the post I realize that I never wanted to have a shirt named after me... Well not until I heard of the Moosejaw Human of Interest thing.

September 2, 2011

Remember that time...

I had folks ask me questions over at The Paper Mama? Well answers are up so head over there and check it. It's pure brilliance if you ask me.

Took awhile... Here's an infographic of MF's first year

I finished this about a year ago just for my personal use but thought I'd share it. It's a visualization of MF's first year in n...