Weekly Wednesday Wisdom: Sleepovers are overrated

By kenny friedman on Wednesday, March 02, 2011

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As you know every Wednesday, without fail, I post a little bit of wisdom for Miloh. This next installment was something I overheard while enjoying some Punch Pizza. Mine of course was cheeseless because, as I have scientifically established, cheese is horrible.

Wisdom for Miloh: Sleepovers are overrated

A woman said this to her kid as she was leaving Punch the other day. The wisdom can actually span your lifetime and is so sage that she must have been some sort of prophet.

Here's the breakdown on why they are overrated.

As a kid:
Here's how your first sleepover at a friend's house will go. We'll drop you off at your buddy's house and your mom will kiss you in front of him which will embarrass you. You'll play with your buddy while your his parents make dinner. By "make dinner" I mean order pizza.

After the pizza you will play a little more... and then you will be sick of hanging out with him. It will be 8 PM.

You'll feel a little better about hanging at his house because it will be snack time... inevitably it will be something you don't get at home. There's a 20 percent chance that it will be awesome and an 80 percent chance it will suck.

After snack you will remember you're sick of your friend.

Next, because it's your first sleepover, there is a 30 percent chance you'll be homesick. So homesick that you'll call your mom and me.

We won't pick you up because we were the smart ones who dropped you at a friends house so we could have a kid-less night. You will cry. You will hate us. You will fall asleep.

There's a 20 percent chance you'll pee in the bed.

In the morning you will be so sick of your friend and will be counting the seconds until we pick you up. But we won't be coming until about 10 AM.

Your friend's parents will make you breakfast. It will probably be horrible. For me that would mean eggs... but you like eggs. But don't feel all smug. They will make whatever you hate most.

Then you will have to play more with your friend who you couldn't be more sick of. There is a 10 percent chance you will break something valuable in the house.

Finally, right before you're about to end the friendship, we will pick you up. You won't talk to your friend for a week... which is a long time when you're young.

In college:
People think they call it the walk of shame because everyone watches you walk/run to your dorm to change clothes before class and they know what you've been up to.

In reality its the walk of shame because you were too stupid to leave before it became a sleepover.

What's going to happen is you're going to like some girl and at one point she'll say that "if you love me" you'll stay over.

You are 20-ish... you don't love her. DO NOT STAY OVER. Once you stay over there's no going back... at least for a while.

Your relationship just took a turn for the serious. Problem is next quarter in Anthropology class there is going to be a really cute girl that you want to ask out but can't because you slept over some other girl's place.

Some girl you may like but didn't plan on getting that serious with...

But the sleepover brings the seriousness of a relationship up 5.5 notches. That's a fact even though I'm unsure of how many notches would be in a relationship.

And once there is one sleepover there will be another. And the seriousness of the relationship builds logarithmically (perhaps I'm using that word correctly) with each sleepover. You are trapped.

So spend quality time with your college girlfriends. Hang at their place, have them hang at your's. But remember that girl you'll meet in Anthropology class and find some excuse to leave before you fall asleep.

As an adult:
Well this one is tricky. It's kind of like college. You stay over at a girl's place or let them stay over and the relationship get's more serious. It could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

The rules on this one is a little more blurry. But you can hold off on the sleepover for awhile still... and you should.

A good way to put off the sleepover is get a cat.

Guys will say it's not masculine but that's not true. But cats are the perfect animal to get out of a sleepover.

"Oh, I can't sleep over I have to feed my cat."

You will look sensitive.

The thing is the cat will have enough food... there will be at least one square inch of clean litter in the box... and it won't even miss you if you stay out.

But the girl doesn't need to know that.

And a cat is better than a dog because if there is a chance that you think it's a good time to sleep over you will know that the cat will be fine. A dog would pee and poo on your floor.



2 comments:

  1. I completely agree with the premise of this post, although my rationale might be a little different and might change with age.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Number 1) Miloh will NOT have sleepovers with girls.
    Number 2) I think I remember when you told me that you had to go feed your cat.

    ReplyDelete



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