February 24, 2012

The Tale Of Two Boys –or– I Get The Elephant

My penultimate post in my Vick's VapoRub series that ties to their feel better friend campaign... And this one naturally fits quite well as you'll see in the end.

The kid got me sick again. Crazy sick. Sicker than I have ever been. So sick that I should really take this time to apologize to my wife for not totally understanding how crazy sick she was getting the first few years she started teaching...

Kid's breed super crazy diseases...

And the thing is you'd think that if I got sick from him we'd have the same thing. And that if we have the same thing we'd be feeling pretty much the same.

But while we both had super runny noses, stuffed up heads, coughs and random bouts of sneezing he was a total ball of energy. He's been brought down by sickness maybe twice. But usually he'll be crazy sick and have all the energy he usually has... For instance the time he had pneumonia but was bouncing off the bed.

And while he was jumping all around I felt I was on my death bed. Thankfully Staci was there to take care of him. If she was gone for some reason it would have been him and the dog hanging out.

On Saturday I didn't put pants on until 4:12PM. Now you're thinking of me naked and you're wondering if that's what I look like. Think the physique of Lou Ferrigno in the Hulk days... But less green. And less of a unibrow, and better hair. And less pants. I realize he didn't have a lot of pants when he was Hulk but pre-4:12 I had none on.

Also I should take this time to mention that he rocked as the Hulk. No CGI. So superior. He was a real dude who was super strong and had extra super strength...

While I was sitting in my bed like the guy from Barenaked Ladies was lying like Brian Wilson I had an epiphany. One that would change our country and economy for the better.

We need to create a department of government that delivers free brownies to sick people. There would be at least three types of brownies; plain with powder sugar on top, walnut (with a walnut on top) and frosted. People would get one a day each day they were sick. The awesomeness of this is if you're kid was sick you could get eat the brownie if you didn't want them to have sweets.

I worked out the numbers on how this would affect the economy and such. First the Happiness Quotient (something I just made up) would go up 600%. Also we'd have more people working and would bring the unemployment to under 2%. Plus it would be self supported as brownies would be available to be delivered to non-sick folk for a cost of $4 a brownie. That might seem like a lot but they would be really good, made with good ingredients and would be kind of big.

After I solved the world problems it was time for me to go back to sleep. Also time for the kid to go to sleep... And it's a long story but basically we had to become total hippy co-sleepers because really that's the only thing that's working for the kid right now... So while we were putting him to bed he looked to me and said "here daddy" as he held out his elephant stuffed animal to me...

He knew I was sick and he's getting empathy which is really cool to see evolve. Also the elephant is huge in his mind. He usually won't give it up.

So he became that feel better friend person in my life which was awesome.

Then a bunch of hours later when I woke up at 3AM Sunday morning I went totally delirious... Whatever crazy thing he gave me was taking over my mind. I can't even really explain what was going on but basically I took some acetaminophen and pseudophederine and thought that I had to strategically decide where the meds would go in my body. And if I didn't do it right I wouldn't get well. It was as if I was a commander in a war and needed to tell the troops where to go. Plus there were all these rules, like war, that made it so hard to figure out.

I was not dreaming this. I was completely awake and completely delirious...

The kid got me good... But I'm finally feeling better.

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