Building the Perfect Baby: an open letter to Evolution

By kenny friedman on Monday, June 27, 2011

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We've all been let down by evolution, if you believe in that kooky theory.

People have been around for at least 37 years... That's all I can personally vouch for. And if you don't believe that number perhaps 200,000 years is a better one.

In those 200,000 years there have been some evolutionary changes but not the kind of things that I think all parents want in babies. So I decided to write evolution an open letter in hopes she'll get with the program. See how I wrote she instead of he? That's because I'm sensitive.

I don't have her email or snail mail address so please forward if you know it.



Dear Evolution

You've done some good things... I'm not gonna lie. I'm a fan of my thumb. I use it every time I thumb wrestle, hitch hike or do that stupid "this guy" thing (I never do that). I also find they come in handy (hah) randomly throughout the day.

I also like some of the little tricks you play on us. The platypus.. That thing is hilarious... So much cooler than the Echidna.

You also gave Darwin a justification for riding a Beagle all across the world. Animal rights groups have cracked down on people riding dogs across the ocean so sadly I'll never be able to have the same opportunity.

You also pissed a bunch of religious folks off too... Good one.

But you've let down all of us parents. You seem to think it was good enough to have us walk on two legs, be able to speak a complex language, think rationally and fuck up our environment.

Don't get me wrong those things are good, except the environment thing, but you've skipped some things that would make babies so much better. I'm not asking for ridiculous things like have them walk and talk and be able to get a job right off the bat. Just some small tweaks to make them better.

Here's list of my (and probably other's) suggestions for future developments.

  • Teething should not hurt a baby. I covered this already but there is no reason for it to hurt. There can be something that is produced to numb their gums during this period.
  • Babies crying should be changed. They should start off quiet and get louder until someone comes to sooth the baby. No reason to start off at maximum decibles. It's rather annoying.t
  • Babies should be able to wipe their own butts. A horse can walk minutes after being born. A butterfly can fly moments after emerging from a cocoon. A butt wipe isn't too much to ask.
  • If you can't do that can you make their poo smell better? Perhaps the scent of laundry that's been dried on a clothes line. I wouldn't think that has a scent but the fabric softener manufacturers tell me it does.
  • Parents should be able to easily program when a child sleeps and wakes. None of this sleep training. No waking in the middle of the night just because.
  • Babies should be able to make their parents breakfast. Something simple like hashbrowns and coffee. If we have to get up early for a feeding or such we should have some sustenance. 
  • They should be able to grip onto parents like monkeys can. I realize it has to do with hair and stuff but think about making human babies' hands like the hard part of Velcro. I would like to thank you for making it so we don't eat and/or fling poo... That was a good trait to lose. Getting rid of the tail was a bad idea. Those things are cool. I know we came from apes like things and not monkeys but I'm guessing in our evolutionary ancestry there was a tail. 
  • Babies should be able to fly. I just think that would be cool and they're light and all cartilage (in case they fall) so it would be a good time to have this ability.

Why don't you start with that list. I'll give you a few thousand years to make these changes... Things take time. But when they happened I'll be praised by everybody and they will make a statue of me on whatever planet we live on at the time.

Your pal,
Kenny



As an appendix to my readers here's a link I found when I was looking on Live Science for an article about why we are bipedal. It talks about how humans are evolving slower than expected... Evolution is slacking.

Couldn't find the original article I mentioned but the gist is bipedalism uses less energy. Less energy means more food energy can go into brainpower. Bipedal means a person can carry and gather more food. So at some point the human ancestors that could carry more food were more attractive to the non-bipedal ones that maybe could fight better (stronger). It's suggested that rational thinking and ability to gather won out... So the ladies went for those guys (kind of the nerds of the time).

I also found an cool article about why infants walk late compared to other animals.

And since I'm talking about evolution I'd like to link to a post at Mom-In-A-Million. It's the Miss USA contestants answering the question "Should evolution be taught in schools?" I find it interesting that the question was phrased that way and not  "Should creationism be taught in schools?" It's a subtle decision that scares the hell out of me. Also you should read her blog regularly. It's good stuff.

Anyway my fave answer was Miss Utah and I was surprised... I also like Vermont because she seemed pissed about the question but she tried to answer like a contestant.

While Utah came close I wish someone would have said "Yeah, because it's right."



1 comment:



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