November 28, 2011

When My Toddler Son Became A Teenage Girl

First of let's start by saying he never technically became a teenage girl. If that disappoints you I'm sorry. If he had become one overnight I probably would have been on the Today Show and would be writing a book about it because that's what you do.

Also I should mention that this is another in my VapoDad series. These posts are about taking care of someone when they're sick... And it's a two parter in one post. The first part being long and rambling and the second one being short.

Part one:

So waiting for MF to get sick didn't take long because he was sick about a two weeks ago. Just pink eye in both eyes, bronchitis (which I totally spelled correctly without spell check but you'll have to take my word on that) and a slight ear infection. This of course meant I was sick last week but only for a bit.

And you're asking how he became a teenage girl... Well I'll tell you and then you'll get pissed that I'm saying he was a teenage girl instead of teenage boy but you can slam me if you'd like. Also please do it on your blog and link to mine so I get some extra traffic... An early thank you.

With all the things wrong with him he was given Prednisone, I thought it was called Pregnisone for a long time... Anyway there is a family history with Prednisone. Fifty-percent of the pre-kid household had been on it before (not me) and when this person fully Prednisoned and was on the phone with her mom she may have been yelling. And then when called out on it she may have yelled "I am not yelling." Also I might need a couch to sleep on tomorrow.

What I'm saying is, hypothetically, it might make otherwise sane people go a little coo coo if that's how you spell it (doesn't look right).

And so there was little MF on steroids... Totally roiding out... And that's when the teenage girl attitude came out (really I mean that strong independent thing that I think teen girls do with a better air to it than teen boys do... seriously).

All of a sudden he was ordering us around... And at first we let him because he's sick... Then we realized he's a teenager.

We'd hold him and he'd say "go right there" and point to where he wanted to go... I guess this wouldn't be so odd but he never said it before. So it was "go right there." "Go right there." "Go right there."

And there really was no right there. Also he forgot words like kitchen, upstairs and bedroom. Everything was a vague "right there."

Also he learned the word because... And he used it with a teen girl attitude...

"Why are you on the table?"

"Why are you spilling all the dog's water?"

"Why are you screaming?"
In a totally calm voice: "because."

And then the pièce de résistance (spelling totally Googled) MF had pooed and so naturally I asked if he pooed and he said no. I asked again. He said no daddy. So I said "it smells like you pooed." to which he answered, while pointing, "go in kitchen now."

Seriously. He forgot the word to kitchen when I was his rickshaw but now when I'm being put in a time out in my own house he remembers?

Part two:

Well he became nice again after the roids wore off. And then is where the VapoDad was VapoKidded (hey Vapo folks please pay me for that VapoKid thing... Or hire my agency for the VapoKid work you're gonna want to do.)

On Thanksgiving I broke my toe. It was quite traumatic but what I remember was being at the park and seeing a bunch of wolves running towards some innocent children trying to attack them. I ran up to the alpha-wolf and kicked him in the jaw. The kick was so hard that I broke my toe and the wolf turned around whimpering.

I was cheered on for my heroic act then, because I'm a hero, I waited a day to go see the doctor for treatment.

Others may say that I was at the dog park and kicked a tennis ball but missed and hit a rock. They also may say that the toe isn't broken. Who are you going to believe?

So I was limping a bit and my toe was dark purple. MF kept asking what happend and of course I just replied that I had been a hero and hurt my toe.

Then when we headed to our Thanksgiving meal (the day after) I got off the elevator. MF asked what happened again so I told him the hero thing. Then I asked if he'd carry me.

And he held out his arms.

And Last:
Remember that Vaporub has this Facebook deally called Feel Better Friend where you can send virtual care packages to friends. You all may know that I'm not really a Facebook fan and I don't dig many apps, but I can honestly say, and I'm not just saying this because they are sponsoring this post, that it's kinda cool how they search your friend's statuses to see who may be sick.

Also two of my friends are sick right now. Also I'm not really friends with either.

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