I've shared these on twitter and folks there enjoyed them so I thought I'd share again.
Also while I know I'm being a bit of an ass in reality I don't think I am... I'm sure my emails have got passed around offices... People have laughed or called me a fool (or an ass) and laughed in a different way. So really I'm doing good and hope to be Knighted by the Queen for my efforts.
I was offered the chance to review a new burger at a fast food restaurant... They said they'd throw in a gift card... Not sure why I never got a reply as this was quite generous and reasonable.
Sorry I didn't back to you earlier regarding your question of if I'm hungry. When I received your email I was in fact hungry. I was heading out to lunch at my one of my favorite Chinese restaurants. I kind of screwed up because I didn't order what I usually do and I while the food was good it didn't hit the spot...
So while I was full after the meal I was still hungry.
And while I realize you didn't ask I'm not hungry right now because we had a huge client lunch.
But really you want to know about the burger.
Here's the deal. While it seems awfully tempting I would have to augment the sandwich a bit and so I don't know if tasting it would really represent the burger you want to review.
I'd have to take the cheese off because of my well documented hatred of cheese.
I'd also have to opt-out of the actual meat situation as I haven't had meat since 1988. Since you are interested the last meat I had was General Tso's Chicken.
Also I'd opt to not have the tomato because I fucking hate raw tomatoes.
What's in the signature sauce? I'm guessing I wouldn't want that too because they are usually mayo based and who the F wants to eat mayo? Seriously... Once some Miracle Whip folks tried to serve me a mayo laced brownie sample. I spit it out and put it back on the tray. Not even kidding.
While I eat lettuce that stuff is usually nasty at fast food restaurants so I'd say no lettuce too.
But the idea of a nice bun with a pickle and sad little slice of onion sounds great.
So please send me a gift card... But can I ask for a gift card from a place other than (that fast food restaurant)? I'd be cool with a Caribou Coffee card or even Barnes & Noble... I drink lots of coffee and read books.
I'd also except cash too.
On that subject you owe me $10. If you took a moment to read my blog you'd know that I have a policy of charging a $10 fee to read unsolicited PR emails. I won't charge you for both that you sent because I never got back to you on the first one.
Click here to my pay the $10 fee.
A lot of people want me to review iPad apps... I have no iPad so I offered a reasonable solution...
Thank you for your email. I'd love to check out that app. My blog posts for December are getting a bit filled but I can squeeze you in.
How long do you think it will take for you to send me an iPad with the app loaded in it? If I have a choice I'd like a black iPad because I just think the white one looks cheap. I guess you can say that it's retro because the original iPods were white but really I'm not a fan. I'm ok with a 16GB but a larger one would be much appreciated...
Now that I think of it you might not need to load the app because it will have to be in my iTunes account. It will be a bit of a pain but I'll load it.
If you need the iPad back I will be able to return it to you within the usual time frame for my blog of one year. If you'd like me to send it back please let me know before sending. I'll also require a self addressed envelope and a check for $500 to cover shipping and whatnot.
Look forward to checking out the app.
And then I tried again... After I sent this I had a little friendly back and forth with the PR person... He (I'm thinking he because the name although I knew one girl with the same name) said "Good luck with the free iPad :) If your method eventually pays off, you're sort of a genius!"
Well I am sort of a genius... But I'm still iPad-less.
I should say that in the original pitch email my luddite post was mentioned... Also I thought this reply was super nice and quite generous...
(Probably a dude's name)
I see that you scanned my enough to know that I don't let my kid have play with an iPad or iPhone. But in looking into your app it seems like it has some good stuff for people who do use them with kids.
You may have missed my PR policy which makes the cost of my reviews quite steep. Although I haven't yet added the cost of app reviews yet I have been asking for a device to review them on. For instance if you want me to review an iPad app send me an iPad with the app loaded.
Surprisingly no one has sent me one yet but in reality it's what my time is worth.
That being said I'll offer you this deal. Send me an iPad loaded with the app. I'll mention/review it on my blog. I'll also mention that I'm selling the iPad on ebay with the profits going to some charity, maybe toys for tots.
I'll sign said iPad which will probably add $3 to the value of the device.
It's win/win/win... You get a review. I hold true to my PR policy and some kids get toys.
be good... Kenny
For some reason I keep striking out... Still I get a lot of emails each day so I'm sure more posts like these will pop up... Unless you all hate them... But they will probably still pop up because they amuse me and hopefully will amuse MF years from now.