I was on Moosejaw's site and I saw Cottage Cheese in the secondary nav so I clicked it. Not sure why because it's well known that I hate all things cheese and that cottage cheese in particular is really gross looking.
On that cottage cheese page I saw a thing called Moosejaw Humans of Influence in which they will name a piece of clothing after you. So since I'm batting 500 with my open letters I knew this situation called for another.
Dear People of Moosejaw (with some extra love towards Sam)
Let me start by saying you look fantastic today. No seriously. Did you cut your hair? No, that's not it...maybe that's a new shirt you're wearing. I'm not really sure what it is but I gotta say you look amazing (some may say "fantastic") today.
I saw that Humans of Influence page on your site and I thought to myself "this is a great way for me, out of the kindness of my heart, tell folks about Moosejaw while getting a hoodie (or something else) named after me (or more specifically named smonk you)."
To be honest there are couple things I don't know about the whole contest...is it still open? Well if it isn't you'll want to reopen it. Also are we talking just influence to Moosejaw, because while I do talk you up a lot I probably haven't added much value to you.
But if we're talking influence in general, well...my influence is as broad as something that is quite broad. And I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass because I don't smoke and your ass is no where near me.
You're probably saying to yourself "wow, is Kenny from smonk you really emailing me? This is the best day of my life." or if you don't have the internet and are receiving this email or reading this post via a print out from a friend you might be asking "who the hell is this Kenny guy from smonk you?"
Well in the unlikely case that the latter is true I'll tell you of my huge influence:
- When I was a barista and was 2400 miles away from where I worked some dude recognized me on the street and told me I made the best mochas he's had. Bonus points there because I was in Seattle at the time.
- My other blog has 2 posts about the great texts you used to send. It would have driven a ton of traffic to your site had I linked to you. I apologize that I didn't. But to be honest I'm not sure you can handle the traffic from the 20 people that go to that one each month.
- I'm BFFs with Kristen Bell...okay maybe not BFFs but we're definitely BFs
- I popularized the fake retweet and recently sold 3 retweets for $3.25 in an incredibly heated ebay auction battle. That's almost a $1.10 each.
- I need to be honest Kristen Bell and I are just Fs
- When I asked my twitter followers how they think I've been an HOI. Here are just a few of the answers I received: (this is where you'd hear crickets chirping)
- I have had a number* of people come to my website through a search for "a picture of someone being adventurous." Your brand is about adventurous people. *that number is 1
- A large number* people come to my site looking for instruction on how to swaddle a cat *size of number varies depending on the font size used.
- I feel like I may have mislead you about my relationship with Kristen Bell...we might not technically even be Fs...but we did trade tweets a few times #BeatThat
- Oh, and I invented pump toothpaste. Remember that? Yup I invented it as a child...seriously. Then before I had a chance to shop the idea around it went to market but I was a year ahead of that (at least). And we know how huge of an influence pump toothpaste has been in the daily lives of all humans.
So yeah...if you're looking for more Humans of Influence you need look no further. I am Human. And I have influence.
I'm cool with grabbing naming rights of the Leonard Smalls Hoody and changing it to the Fabulous Smonk You Hoody (or you can name it after my son and call it the MC Friedman). While Mr. Smalls is a great character I think we both know I could kick his ass.
Oh, and if my super impressive resume of influence (half of which wasn't even influence) doesn't seal the deal I think the video below will.
Because if you don't name a hoody Smonk You (or MC Friedman) my son Miloh will cry...and could you really live with yourself making this kid, who giggles like crazy, cry?
Yeah, you could wear me. The lovely folk at Moosejaw named a soft shell jacket after me. And totally unbiasedly it's the best soft shell I've ever worn.
It's no longer for sale because the season is up... Sad