August 16, 2011

An Open Letter To Restaurants

I was going to write a longer open letter to a restaurant that doesn’t take reservations but then decided there are more types of restaurants we go to... So I thought they should all get one.

I should say that while I talk about Miloh going nutso at restaurants he’s not a terror. He’s just a normal 1.5 year-old who doesn’t want to sit for an hour in a high chair unless he’s eating.

Dear Restaurant That Doesn't Take Reservations And Has A Two Hour Wait (RTDTRAHATHW)

I heard about you awhile ago and I was totally interested in what you do. A restaurant that has awesome food that is served by the chefs? Sounds fantastic.

Count me in, we’ll leave the kid at home.

Oh, you have a two hour wait and don’t take reservations?

I’m out

Here's the deal. My wife and I have a kid. Our friends that we do dinners with often have kids. I should clarify... They always have kids, I meant we do dinner with them often. That kinda grammar throws me a bit... I didn't pay attention in class I guess.

And speaking of school the math kills us.

Let's say we go with just one couple and we both need a baby sitter. If we're lucky and get a wait on the shorter side were looking at paying $20 to $24 (yeah we pay $12 an hour) just for waiting around.

Maybe that seems petty and all but I feel like I’m paying a premium just to wait in your overcrowded bar... Take my freaking reservation.

You lost me at no reservations

Dear Family-Owned Restaurant

Your food is super good. I love your servers. Thanks for telling me my kid is super cute. But get us our freaking food NOW. If we bring our kid in to your restaurant it’s not just because we like the food. It’s because we don’t want to clean up a dinner at home... Also maybe we want to get out but still, not cleaning up is a big part.

And our kid is usually less messy at a restaurant than at home.

But a small kid in a restaurant is more a perilous situation than if I had brought an actual time bomb in. If we don’t get our food quickly I can’t be held responsible for what will happen. Maybe it will be blood curdling screams... Maybe our apps or bread will start flying... I’m not really sure.

So go back to the kitchen and tell them to fire it... In fact any time you see a family with a small child you should fire the food out fast...

Oh... And bring me my check when I ask. Because I can tell when the bomb is about to blow so if you wait 20 minutes after I ask it’s only your fault. And when I hand you my credit card when I ask for the check take it, run it and come back quickly.

Also don’t charge me for some bullshit lemonade I never ordered.

The guy who's kid makes the biggest mess but is super cute

Dear Family-Friendly Restaurant

I hate you. I hate almost everything about you. I’ve only been to you a few times... I hope I never go back but you’ve saved our ass a few times.

You give my kid crayons, you get us food quickly and bring our check before we’re done. I hate that we’ve become people that find that to be a good thing but it’s reality sometimes.

It would be awesome if you had something on the menu that was vegetarian so I could eat but I’ll just get fries, you have good fries.

More fries please

P.S. it wasn't really my wife's birthday... I just wanted you to sing to her and embarrass her

Dear Nicer Casual Dining Place

Thank you for saving me from the Family-Friendly restaurants. You also give us crayons and get us our food quickly.

But you differ from the Family-Friendly place in that your food is actually pretty good. I mean it’s stuff I’d get often-ish. Plus you’re a little darker than the FF places... This seems to have more of a calming affect on my kid so we can eat a pretty normal meal.

Also your desserts are pretty damn good...

A fan who wants dessert

Dear Fast Casual restaurant

You are often my savior so I’d like to take a moment to thank you. You have pretty good food (not gonna win any awards, but good) and good kid meals... And I can get in and out quickly.

Plus if my kid goes apeshit I don’t feel bad that you have to clean up... I know that sounds bad but c’mon... You’re fast casual. Plus I had to do the same all the time when I worked at a coffee house.

But can you do me a favor?

Clean your freaking high chairs. I know people grab them and put them back on their own but still... Maybe before you have the person do the bathrooms they head to the high chairs first and give them a quick wipe. I’d honestly rather have my son lick your bathroom floors than lick his hands after touching a high chair.

Just another quickie

Dear Fast Food Restaurant

I don’t like you (unless I can order a bean burrito with no cheese). You don’t like me. You have pretty much nothing for a vegetarian to eat. And while I realize that we’re not your customer base you could serve some veggie stuff... I’d bet it would sell.

But really I don’t care... I wouldn’t go anyway. Your food is pretty much crap and you’re helping to add to the obesity problem.

Really the only reason people stop there is because you’re cheap, give out toys with kid meals and have super salty fries.

That guy you haven't seen in 20 plus years


  1. hehe... I might copy these letters and save them....
    I might actually print and send them to restaurants BEFORE we go :)


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