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Diary of a flatheaded boy: the post where I get a complex

At Miloh's 4 month check up Staci and/or I asked an innocent question about his was seeming a little bit flat. Our doctor said she did notice, asked if we'd gone to a physical therapist and said she wanted to check it out...but when she did she told us he looks fine.

Staci heard, "he'll probably need a helmet."

A couple weeks later Staci took Miloh into the doctor for something else...I forget what. Our doc was out and this new dude mentioned Miloh's head. He said that it looked allright because it's symmetrical but that we might want to go see a physical therapist to make sure.

Staci heard, "he needs a helmet."

And this is where one goes online and reads all about the flat head deal (not sure that's the medical name.) Then one learns that it's pretty common now, and with the power of facebook one can realize they know a bunch of folks whose kids needed a helmet to correct this Flat Head Deal.

We did all that. Then one day I was rubbing the back of my head...maybe because my hair feels fantastic, maybe I was stressed out and it was calming, maybe I bumped my noggin on something...there is really no way to know for sure.

So I was rubbing my head and I realized that the back of my head seems relatively flat. I mean I don't go around town rubbing the back of random people's heads and comparing them to mine...or at least I haven't in like 2 years...but it does seem less round than others.

And it's not that I have a huge head which might make it seem less round. I have a tiny head, something Miloh inherited from me. If for some reason I needed to buy a fitted baseball cap I'd have to buy the smallest adult size readily available (this happened when I bought the only one I owned, a vintage looking Chicago Cubs cap.)

No I just have a relatively flat head, so in a way I was ahead (hillarious pun intended) of my time because it was pre Back to Sleep times.

Which brings me to the Back to Sleep saying...I got schooled by Staci's aunt, a nurse, when I said back to bed. The deal is you can put a kid to sleep anywhere and people are so freaking literal that if it was Back to Bed and someone put their kid to sleep on the floor they might not realize they need to be belly up.

While Back to Sleep is cute because of the double entendre I prefer Back to Bed because of the alliteration.

Therefore I suggest different sayings* for different situations:

  • Tush to tuffet
  • Occipital lobe to ottoman
  • Spine to sleep
  • Butt to bed
  • Penis points up
  • Fanny to floor
  • Toes Totally go on Top
  • Can to carpet

Back to Miloh's flat head drama. When we got the physical therapist you could tell she immediately thought he was okay. She even asked if we came because we were worried or because a doctor told us to...but she asked in such a way that you could tell she was worried not to offend us if it was our idea to come...I'm sure many people think their kids heads are too flat.

And yes, Miloh's head is flatter than others, but not too flat and not's just something he inherited from me besides his tiny head and widows peak. Plus since we've gone it seems to be rounding out because he loves being on his all the worry was for nothing...and now I have a complex about my flat head.

*Every brilliant saying on that list is coprighted and if used without my expressed written consent I will sue your ass.


  1. Thanks for a wonderful late-night laugh!

  2. Both my kids had somewhat mis-shaped heads. Since they developed just fine it was more like "If it doesn't bother you then it doesn't bother me" Only one is smart. I guess we were 50% right on that call.

  3. Penis Points Up is way sexist.

  4. I like tailbone to tarmac. I also thought of Ass to Ashley Furniture Sofa but I would only use it if they paid me a fee.

  5. Both my kids had somewhat mis-shaped heads. Since they developed just fine it was more like "If it doesn't bother you then it doesn't bother me" Only one is smart. I guess we were 50% right on that call.


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