Skip to main content

Guest Postapalooza: Mommy Wants Vodka

Before I introduce my next guest poster I wanted to let you know that my plan of complete slack this week failed as I have a guest post of my own over at For The's about some craziness that happened when my wife was out of town. Thanks Ry for asking me to post. on to Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka...I guess I should start by saying that today she is a year older than she was 2 days ago. Here's some other things you should know:

  • She lives in an undisclosed city that I once drove to to check out a used view camera...the camera sucked.
  • You can often find her hanging ate Chili's with Jen, who guest posted 2 days ago...often could be a stretch.
  • She's sarcastic, tells it like it is and is droll like me which is why you need to check out her blog.
  • Her current twitter avatar is rather stoic so it kind of cracks me up a bit more when I read her tweets.
  • If she was ever hired by Hallmark their sales would skyrocket
  • She's writing a book that if anything like her blog will be a great read.

So please enjoy the post...and thank you Becky for being part of my Girls Girls Girls blog anniversary week.

After I read that Kenny was having some concerns about his own head being all flat and stuff, I figured that he should probably read about why he is SUPER lucky not to be married to me. Since you are Kenny's Internet and not my Band of Merry Pranksters, I feel I should tell you that my relationship with my husband, The Daver, is pretty much comparable to that of Mr. Wilson and Dennis The Menace.

You decide who is who.

Last night after Dave and I watched a very nail-biting episode of American Idol (and by "nail biting" I mean, I do not know why I don't just punch myself in the face with lemons instead), I sat down nearish to him.
(pat pat pat) "The back of your head is entirely flat at the top."
The Daver (ignoring me entirely)(duh): "Yeah?"
Aunt Becky: "Yeah. And the top kinda makes you look like Predator."
The Daver (still absentmindedly pecking away on his Blackberry): "Yeah?"
Aunt Becky: "I bet your mom dropped you on your head a lot."
The Daver: "That explains a lot."
Aunt Becky (giggles): "You know, we could get you one of those helmets they put kids in now to reshape your skull! Those kids look so CUTE!"
The Daver: "NO."
Aunt Becky (laughing): "Can you IMAGINE walking around with one of those helmets as an adult? I'd decorate it for you! I could write your NAME in glitter! Or put some CHICAGO FIRE emblems on it!"
Aunt Becky: *bwahahahahahaha*
The Daver: "I think my skull is done being molded."
Aunt Becky: "Oh."
The Daver: "So don't get any ideas."
Aunt Becky (small voice): "Oh."
The Daver: "Becky? You didn't buy me a helmet, did you?"
Aunt Becky: "....define BUY."
The Daver: (buries LUMPY head in hands)
Aunt Becky: "It's okay, I'll love you and your misshapen head no matter what! Because THAT'S WHAT I LOVE YOU MEANS. TO HAVE, HOLD, AND OBEY...
....your lumpy head!"
The Daver: "You made the priest take out the 'obey' part. Remember?"
Aunt Becky: "That's because I never obey you."
The Daver: "That's for DAMN sure."
Aunt Becky: “As it should be.”
The Daver: “Carry on.”
Now that he's remembered that I never obey him, he won't be as mad when he finds out that I ordered him a plagiocephaly helmet for our anniversary.
I think the "I love my wife" decals and hearts will make him change him mind and he'll decide that wearing a helmet 23 hours a day is a very good idea indeed.


  1. When we "chose" our vows from the Rent-A-Rev (truth) I made him take out the word obey too. I don't obey anything but the Bell for cinnamon crispas. Both my kids have somewhat mis-shaped heads and I'm pretty sure that's why they can't take a crap in the toilet in a timely manner.

  2. Put one of those "Real Men Love Jesus" bumper stickers on it except cross out the Jesus and write "Wives Who Strap Headgear On Them While They Sleep" with a sharpie (or similar) instead.

    Just a thought.

  3. Oh my god Yesssssssss. Those things are so hot.

  4. heavens, me oh my, that was the funniest effing post. fun-ny!

  5. heavens, me oh my, that was the funniest effing post. fun-ny!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Response to a comment about breastfeeding

Since I'm a dude and unable to produce milk from I never thought I woul have to defend the reason we formula feed instead of breast feed. But I received a comment on a recent post so I thought I would talk about it here. I'll get to the why we don't later but I'll start off on a tangent. First off I don't want to alienate the person who asked the comment because they say they are a reader and I'm cool with anyone stopping by. But I can't call the person out anyway because the comment was anonymous...and here is where I go into a little bit of a rant, and if you follow me on twitter you know I'm a fan of the rant. I'm assuming the comment was anonymous on purpose. Perhaps the person is a friend or someone I follow on twitter. Maybe they didn't want to ruin that relationship by coming out and saying it. I'm  a big boy and can handle criticism. Anonymous comments are never things like "Where did you get that cool toy?" they ar

Giveaway Gear Thursday: Paper Culture ($25 coupon code)

Gear Thursday is back this week with a giveaway from a great company called Paper Culture and I'm giving away $25 coupon codes to two different winners. I found Paper Culture on my search for some really well designed birth announcements. Being a designer I probably should have designed them myself but the chaos of a new baby made that impossible. When I saw their announcements I was psyched...we ordered the one below. We were super happy we went with them over some of the other places we've found. A few reasons for that...their designs are great and pretty much the style I would have designed, they are printed on really nice stock (a matte 130lb thick paper), the cards have rounded corners which makes them look nicer and real people lay out your cards. That last one was kind of important to me. You plug in your info and a designer lays it out and sends you a proof in a couple days. You can OK it, make a change or decide not to go with it...there is no obligation. Everyon

My hundredth post: seriously a clips post?

In my last post I mentioned I was working on getting some celebs for this post. I was in talks with the quarterback of the Saints whatever his name is...I'm sure I could look it up. I was also trying to get Conan...those talks were going really well but then NBC squashed it. There were more but the moral is it's just me. So I thought I'd do a clips post to show my journey from dude who was scared of kids to dad. If you're new to my blog this will be a CliffsNotes version of what you missed. If you've been checking it out for awhile think of this as a best of. And since a blog can't work like a TV show if you want to get the full clip show experience you'll have to click through to the posts...but this will give you the gist. In the beginning...Staci and I wanted to have a child but we both had totally different experience with kids. Kids have always been magically attracted to her...which is probably why she is so great at her career as a Montessori teac