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Guest Postapalooza: Mommy Wants Vodka

Before I introduce my next guest poster I wanted to let you know that my plan of complete slack this week failed as I have a guest post of my own over at For The's about some craziness that happened when my wife was out of town. Thanks Ry for asking me to post. on to Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka...I guess I should start by saying that today she is a year older than she was 2 days ago. Here's some other things you should know:

  • She lives in an undisclosed city that I once drove to to check out a used view camera...the camera sucked.
  • You can often find her hanging ate Chili's with Jen, who guest posted 2 days ago...often could be a stretch.
  • She's sarcastic, tells it like it is and is droll like me which is why you need to check out her blog.
  • Her current twitter avatar is rather stoic so it kind of cracks me up a bit more when I read her tweets.
  • If she was ever hired by Hallmark their sales would skyrocket
  • She's writing a book that if anything like her blog will be a great read.

So please enjoy the post...and thank you Becky for being part of my Girls Girls Girls blog anniversary week.

After I read that Kenny was having some concerns about his own head being all flat and stuff, I figured that he should probably read about why he is SUPER lucky not to be married to me. Since you are Kenny's Internet and not my Band of Merry Pranksters, I feel I should tell you that my relationship with my husband, The Daver, is pretty much comparable to that of Mr. Wilson and Dennis The Menace.

You decide who is who.

Last night after Dave and I watched a very nail-biting episode of American Idol (and by "nail biting" I mean, I do not know why I don't just punch myself in the face with lemons instead), I sat down nearish to him.
(pat pat pat) "The back of your head is entirely flat at the top."
The Daver (ignoring me entirely)(duh): "Yeah?"
Aunt Becky: "Yeah. And the top kinda makes you look like Predator."
The Daver (still absentmindedly pecking away on his Blackberry): "Yeah?"
Aunt Becky: "I bet your mom dropped you on your head a lot."
The Daver: "That explains a lot."
Aunt Becky (giggles): "You know, we could get you one of those helmets they put kids in now to reshape your skull! Those kids look so CUTE!"
The Daver: "NO."
Aunt Becky (laughing): "Can you IMAGINE walking around with one of those helmets as an adult? I'd decorate it for you! I could write your NAME in glitter! Or put some CHICAGO FIRE emblems on it!"
Aunt Becky: *bwahahahahahaha*
The Daver: "I think my skull is done being molded."
Aunt Becky: "Oh."
The Daver: "So don't get any ideas."
Aunt Becky (small voice): "Oh."
The Daver: "Becky? You didn't buy me a helmet, did you?"
Aunt Becky: "....define BUY."
The Daver: (buries LUMPY head in hands)
Aunt Becky: "It's okay, I'll love you and your misshapen head no matter what! Because THAT'S WHAT I LOVE YOU MEANS. TO HAVE, HOLD, AND OBEY...
....your lumpy head!"
The Daver: "You made the priest take out the 'obey' part. Remember?"
Aunt Becky: "That's because I never obey you."
The Daver: "That's for DAMN sure."
Aunt Becky: “As it should be.”
The Daver: “Carry on.”
Now that he's remembered that I never obey him, he won't be as mad when he finds out that I ordered him a plagiocephaly helmet for our anniversary.
I think the "I love my wife" decals and hearts will make him change him mind and he'll decide that wearing a helmet 23 hours a day is a very good idea indeed.


  1. When we "chose" our vows from the Rent-A-Rev (truth) I made him take out the word obey too. I don't obey anything but the Bell for cinnamon crispas. Both my kids have somewhat mis-shaped heads and I'm pretty sure that's why they can't take a crap in the toilet in a timely manner.

  2. Put one of those "Real Men Love Jesus" bumper stickers on it except cross out the Jesus and write "Wives Who Strap Headgear On Them While They Sleep" with a sharpie (or similar) instead.

    Just a thought.

  3. Oh my god Yesssssssss. Those things are so hot.

  4. heavens, me oh my, that was the funniest effing post. fun-ny!

  5. heavens, me oh my, that was the funniest effing post. fun-ny!


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