Guest Postapalooza: The Next Martha

By kenny friedman on Tuesday, July 13, 2010

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The Next Martha actually has a real name and it is Jen. She writes about 30 different blogs including; The Martha Project,  a blog about raising a gifted kid, and a "fat blog", where she adds mayo to things that should not have mayo.

But the real gold comes from her @thenextmartha twitter updates...they are such gold that if you aren't on twitter you should be just to read them.

One thing I should mention is this post is an exclusive...it is incredibly timely as some of the events happened at the end of last week. I paid her huge dollars to get this exclusive so I hope you enjoy.



When Kenny asked me to guest post I jumped to say yes. He’s like my long lost Jewish hash brown eating brother. To say I like him is like saying that he doesn’t care for cheese. Though he’s not at the toilet training phase of parenthood, when he is I will NOT have any advice for him.

I Have No Toilet Training Advice

I started when most people in this country start. I started talking about it at two years old. I decided what terms I wanted to use and then bore them into submission with it. Right?

We chose the following:
Toilet
Poopy
Pee-Pee
Butt
Penis

This all seems pretty straight forward.
To most.
My kids are not most.

Me: “T where do we put pee-pees?”
T: “In the garden!”

Me: “T where do we put pee-pees?”
T: “At the zoo!”

Me: “T where do we put pee-pees?”
T: “In my pants!”

At this point I don’t know if this kid is hilarious or just not ready. I decided to dedicate a certain amount of time each day to naked time. One day he asked me “Pee-pee’s go down there?” and he pointed to the heater register. I told him that they actually did NOT go down there and then brought him to the toilet to show him it again. Later T said “pee-pees down there.” pointing to the heater register again. I walked over explaining to him that no, the toilet, blah, blah, WHAT IS THAT! Oh, yes he peed down the heater register. It was almost like earlier he wanted me to know that WAS going to be his plan today.

So I found out that if I bribed him with a matchbox car then he would find his way to the toilet. I bought one of those 5 packs and he got one for every pee in the toilet. I didn’t buy new ones I would just go to his container of them and refill the empty slots. This worked so I decided to work on the 2nd step. The poopy step.

I decided to commit to a week or so of naked at home time. He mostly plays on the first floor and in his room and does so independently. One day I was walking up the stairs and it’s never a good sign when you can smell it before you see it. I see him in his room. I look and see nothing. I ask him and he tells me nothing. I then use my mad nose detective skills to lead me to his brother’s room. I look and still don’t see anything…..wait; B never closes his closet doors. I open the door and there it is. One loaf dropped in his closet behind closed doors. Great I’ve got a closet pooper on my hands. B’s room becomes his loaf dropping station for the next few weeks. B was in school so I never told him. I mean how does “Hey B, I’m pretty sure that T is getting his revenge on you by crapping in your room” sound?

I decide to up the bribing by letting him pick a toy at Target and instead of letting him open it I put it on the fireplace mantle for him to see. He knew that if he drops the loaf into the toilet then he gets it.

And guess what? He does.
But not next time.
Another toy and guess what? He does again.

So now he has figured out that if he doesn’t have a toy on the mantle to “work” for he’s not going to do it.

Well isn’t that just craptastic.

I decided that I would PAY someone $100 to train my kid so I should at least use up to that amount on toy bribes. Really can my logic be any worse?

We’re doing pretty well now and I’ve even stopped giving him cars ever time he pees and he seems fine with it.

Until he’s not and decides to starts using our couch as his own pee sponge. The first time I thought maybe it was an accident. The second he actually was standing on the couch peeing from one cushion to the next like he’s playing his own tic-tac-toe-cushion peeing game.

Another time this week we stay home ALL day so he can poop and the ONE hour we are out of the house for chess is when he decides to go. At the park. Climbing and crapping. In his pants.

I have no advice. I don’t know why I can’t do this. I have read books, gone to websites, talked to their doctor and have even asked twitter for help. One part is that I have the types of kids who think “If it ain’t broken don’t fix it” I’m sorry, I’m not moving my kids up to Depends. As long as I have a credit card, this will happen.



22 comments:

  1. damnit. why didnt i think of checking the heat registers!
    DAMNIT!
    THIS EXPLAINS THE ASPARAGUS PISS ODOR RUNNING RAMPANT THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE!?!?!

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  2. I'm going to leave a comment just in case it's the only one. So I totally forgot the phase where he would take his books off the book shelf and pee on them. He would say "Look, I pee on books." Also this weekend during naked time he crapped on his dads lap when they were watching TV. Time to go to Target.

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  3. We tried bribing my oldest, which worked for a while. . . until she got sick of stickers and m&ms and started crapping in her pants again. What finally worked was to tell her that she'd never be able to go to school if she was still in diapers. Threats, now that's good parenting.

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  4. I had a hell of a time potty training my son too!We lived out in the country and it was summer time so I would lather him up and let him run around the yard - naked as a jay bird - and tell him to pee outside. Ooh, did he love that. He loved it so much he decided to make our yard his own personal dumping ground. That's right. I said it. My kid used to take dumps outside. The kicker was the day he took me behind the barn and proudly showed me his latest accomplishment. He said, "Look mommy! Isn't it cute?!"

    Hang in there. It'll happen. Eventually.

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  5. I've got absolutely nothing of a helpful nature to offer you.

    I can't get past him pooing on his father. I mean, that kind of shit is the kind that blows me away.

    Dude. I've got nothing.

    But lots and lots of laughter.

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  6. My mom took me on a tour of preschool and I really wanted to go. But you can't go to preschool if you crap your pants, so I got with the program. What does he want more than anything that you are willing to let him have AND can take away, maybe? I have no idea. Everything I know about potty training I learned from you. On Twitter. So... good luck with that.

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  7. Funny shit!

    I'm trying to get going with the potty training too. Put my daughter in cloth trainers. She peed, was soaked and didn't give a crap. I tried to sit her on the pot and she kicked and flailed so much her feet went into the bowl (yuck!). Then she says "no, I don't want to sit on the potty." sweet. She turned 2 last week. She speaks in sentences but won't pee on the toilet.

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  8. Oh, and an FYI, my son is THREE. He starts preschool this fall if he can drop his loaves in the right place.

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  9. We find a dog door works well. Oh wait, we just have dogs. But, for some reason they keep marking the furniture. We live with vinyl velcroed to the La-Z-Boys.

    Jen, when you're done with T, will you train my (furry) boys? (Kenny can vouch for me. I can be like your Jewish Coca-Cola drinking sister.)

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  10. Recent development: I now have a fake toilet pooper. He now runs to the toilet and sits. He then exclaims with the most excited voice that he "Going poopies in the toilet!" "I'm DOING it!" Me excited tell him how great that is. But wait, the toilet is empty. Hand the kid an award.

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  11. My youngest daughter, now FINALLY fully trained, had us fooled with the poop for a long time. After we finally decided to cut her off cold turkey from diapers and pull-ups to underwear, she would run into the bathroom and tell us to stay out while she pooped. We, of course, obliged, happy she was doing it on her own, and she would always call us in to show us. After a few weeks of this we finally discovered she was actually pooping in her underwear, running to the bathroom and then dumping it from her underwear into the toilet.

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  12. I'm too busy laughing to be any help whatsoever.

    @2leftbarefeet: I'd be worried if I were you...very worried. That girl is a sneaky one.

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  13. Threaten him with ninjas. PEE ninjas. That'll work like a charm. I swear.

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  14. Today I waited around all day and that resulted in two "crack craps." -You know the types when their holding it and it just sort of sits in the crack.

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  15. I didn't want to tell Jen but we really won't need her non-advice. Staci's boss, who runs the toddler room of her school, does an amazing job toilet training kids. She starts at around 17 months and they are usually are done around 2. (individual results may vary)

    Sorry, don't hate me because of that.

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  16. I hate potty training. It was the worst parenting experience so far! How hard is it to go in the damn toilet?! I don't get it! Why would someone want to walk around with a load of crap in their drawers?!

    I thought we had success...but we aren't exactly done with the training part yet. #2 we still need to work on. Sigh.

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  17. Oh man. I love her more with every word I read.

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  18. Ok... it's been a while, but You totally brought me back to period... remind me to smack you with a blunt object for that someday... lol! ;)

    I can, however, actually offer up an idea that worked well 3 out of 4 times for me. First, get rid of all his favorite toys and tell him they are for big boys... big boys go in the toilet... he can have them back when he goes in the toilet every time. Then, take away the diapers/pull ups and if he has an accident in his pants, make him clean it, thoroughly. Show him how to clean the pants, underwear, couch cushions, heat register, whatever he happens mess up. Boys especially hate to have to clean up after their messes, so this works pretty well.

    Good luck!!! :)

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  19. thank you for this...towards the end of potty training our first one right now...soooooo needed this laugh!

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  20. holy cow. I just bust a gut reading this thing! sooo funny. thanks!

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  21. holy cow. I just bust a gut reading this thing! sooo funny. thanks!

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