Some people mistakenly call me a subarbanite: or why an angel dies every time you go to a drive-thru coffee house

By kenny friedman on Monday, July 19, 2010

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Hey...when you're done reading check me out on ohdeedoh.

If you haven't read my post about my trip to the doctor with Miloh last week you might want to...chronologically these events preceded the doctor but both happened while Staci was out of town.

Some may call me a subarbanite...maybe it's because I live in the subarbs...but in reality I'm not. I'm more of a displaced city guy.

We live where we do because we like our place...it's a rowhouse, which means we have no lawn work to do...yeah you can find those in the city but they are twice as expensive...plus our area is a great place to go riding on a road bike...that's if I ever get on that thing.

I'm not one of those anti-suburb people, obviously, but people often are surprised I live in the burbs...but there are some suburban things that I just can't stand...Drive-thru coffee houses.

Or I guess to be more correct coffee houses with drive-thrus...I can't stand them. Okay, maybe that's not strong enough. They make me totally uncomfortable, I can't stand the long wait, I hate that people wait in a running car for a freaking cup of coffee (or annoying freaking drink - keep reading) and I especially can't stand when I'm in the coffee place and they make the drinks for the lazy folks in the line before they make mine.

Maybe some of my snobiety comes from the days when I worked at coffee houses. When I worked at coffee houses it was before everyone knew the word 'barista.' I was just called the dude at the coffee house. Although I didn't have a fancy title I actually knew how to tamp a portafilter (the handle thingy) and pull a shot of espresso...now it's just a push of the button.

Back to the drive-thru...I won't do them...Staci knows this...I'll begrudgingly go to the shops with a drive-thru, get out of my car and go into the shop...and then I'll get pissed that the shitty barista makes a drink for the person in their car before me (yeah, I know I already said that.)

So when Staci was out and I had the taste for an Iced espresso I headed to the coffee shop...okay to be fair it was a Borders because they have decentish SBC coffee and I could get some stuff while there.

Miloh was in tow...and I figured I could take him around the little outdoor shopping area like any good suburban dad would do,

When I called Staci to let her know what was the plan for Miloh and I she told me to go to a drive-thru...I laughed.

I had a long wait in line because the dude in front of me bought 4 foo-foo drinks for his family. I would love to smack the person who invented frappacinos, which I feel is one of the major downfalls of our society (when I was a coffee dude there were no blended drinks...and everyone was happy.)

After I got my drink, which confused the "barista" a bit, Miloh and I headed out to the mall...we looked at a water fountain (he wasn't a fan) a waterfall (he wasn't a fan) and then headed to get me some ingredients for dinner...which consisted of soy ice cream, chocolate sauce and peanuts...because that hits a lot of food groups and is healthy.

As I was checking out I realized we were super close to the 2 hour wakefulness window for Miloh. I needed to get him in bed in 10 minutes in order to get him to sleep easily...and I was 15 minutes from the house.

To add to that you probably know that if he slept in the car that wouldn't be great because he wouldn't sleep enough and he wakes when we move him.

I ran to the car and got him in the seat...and I started singing to him: "Domo arigato don't go to sleep now. Thank you very much for staaaaaying awake." I sang that all the way home.

I got him in bed just in time...like in a movie where the bomb starts beeping and you cut the wire at the right time...but then the bomb started beeping again...Miloh was pooing...it was now like in Lost where they had to hit the bomb with a fire extinguisher to cool it and stop it form blowing....finally after 15 minutes he slept...it was a good thing

A crisis was averted.

Then I had time to hop on to twitter...people replied to my tweet about my anti-drive-thru stance...they apparently did not agree, one actually said goodbye to the angel they just killed.
They say it's easier than luggin your kid in a stroller...that wasn't hard for me. They say it keeps them from waking their kid when they need a drink...well maybe you don't need that drink (especially if it's a foo-foo blended one.)

All I know is that I won't go through a drive-thru coffee house to get myself a drink...I just can't do it. And that, my friends, is while I'll never really be a surbanite.



14 comments:

  1. I have 5 month old twins. If I had to haul both of them out of the car, into the stroller, into the coffeehouse, order, get coffee, back to the car, etc. every time I wanted a coffee, I would die. I get your larger point about drive-thrus, but I am killing angels left and right around here.

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  2. I don't know Kim, but I'm with her.

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  3. I was whining a lot about needing a latte after my second daughter was born. But I most certainly did NOT want to lug two kids to the coffeehouse just for that. My family took pity on me and got me an espresso machine. So now I can have my morning latte and I don't have to kill any angels to do it. Iced espresso sounds good. I'm going to have to try that!

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  4. I know this may be more controversial than breast feeding or the upcoming spacing war, but it's one of my strongest beliefs (which might be sad).

    To Jen's point I make a lot of coffee...we have a Keurig and it makes great stuff and can be strong...good enough that I ditched my espresso machine (because in reality I wouldn't be happy unless it cost $1000s)

    Except those little $30 stove top things work surprisingly well...

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  5. I have a theory that this blog could actually be called smock you: ratings of a lunatic, and here's why. At least back when I lived in MN, Caribou did not have drive thrus. So, unless that's changed, his post tells me that you are going to Starbucks instead of Caribou, which makes you completely insane. Only a lunatic would go elsewhere for coffee when they live in the land of Caribou. (And that should mean something considering I probably spend a barista's salary per year at Starbucks.) At any rate, at least the insanity would explain your hatred for cheese!

    (And here's some irony for you, I'm typing this while sitting in the drive thru line for coffee. Ha!)

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  6. Thank you for calling them "foo foo" drinks. My husband doesn't know what the hell I am talking about when I tell him to go buy me a "foo foo" drink. I was starting to wonder if that phrase actually existed.

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  7. In San Francisco drive thru coffee shops are illegal. Well...not truly illegal.

    They're just shunned because the free loving citizens of our fine city need a place to gather and talk about how the environment is going to a hell in a hand basket. Then they climb into their giant SUV's and run over some poor guy on a bicycle because they need to hurry up and pick up some free range organic sushi.

    I drink my coffee at home.

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  8. Moriah, you kill me and thank me in the same sentence...

    Amanda the first half of that is awesome...the place to gather...after that it does get a bit silly (and a bit SF-ish)

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  9. Stephanie it could in fact be called Smonk You: Rantings of a lunatic but not for that reason. There are plenty of drive-thru Caribous now...even Drive-thru Dunn Bros (but those don't count because they used crushed ice which is just a waste of my time)

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  10. Caribou espresso tastes like caribou ass. Dunn Bros rocks.

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  11. i actually live in the city, love real espresso and little local coffee places, etc and i still kill angels all the time with my two kids in the back seat. i think disabled people and people with little kids are the only people who should be allowed in the lines, though. when i'm stuck in a long line of people with no kids in the back and two good legs for walking who would have had their frappucinos 10 minutes quicker by walking their asses in the shop, i am super annoyed.

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  12. In San Francisco drive thru coffee shops are illegal. Well...not truly illegal.

    They're just shunned because the free loving citizens of our fine city need a place to gather and talk about how the environment is going to a hell in a hand basket. Then they climb into their giant SUV's and run over some poor guy on a bicycle because they need to hurry up and pick up some free range organic sushi.

    I drink my coffee at home.

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  13. I have a theory that this blog could actually be called smock you: ratings of a lunatic, and here's why. At least back when I lived in MN, Caribou did not have drive thrus. So, unless that's changed, his post tells me that you are going to Starbucks instead of Caribou, which makes you completely insane. Only a lunatic would go elsewhere for coffee when they live in the land of Caribou. (And that should mean something considering I probably spend a barista's salary per year at Starbucks.) At any rate, at least the insanity would explain your hatred for cheese!

    (And here's some irony for you, I'm typing this while sitting in the drive thru line for coffee. Ha!)

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  14. I have 5 month old twins. If I had to haul both of them out of the car, into the stroller, into the coffeehouse, order, get coffee, back to the car, etc. every time I wanted a coffee, I would die. I get your larger point about drive-thrus, but I am killing angels left and right around here.

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